Baby Steps

I had a long week at work. I was so exhausted come the weekend that once again I didn't accomplish everything I was hoping to. Some weeks, I just need to calm down and accept that I'm only human after all and trying to be more than that gives me panic attacks and will lead me to an early grave. 

It's possible y'all are tired of hearing me prepare for this Mental Health week speech thing, but one of our Partners called me on Friday afternoon, he's been struggling with his speech too. So I guess we're in the same boat. Telling terrible, personal stories, hoping it will have an impact on someone. 

I've realized in preparing for it though, I am very, very grateful for my job. Yes, I believe in work/life balance and our priorities should be the people in our lives, not the work we're doing. But we can't underestimate how much head space our jobs take up - even just by virtue of the fact that we spend so much of our time there. 

I have been extremely lucky to land where I am, meet the people I've met and have the opportunities I currently have. My team bought me a big bouquet of flowers on Friday afternoon and I honestly feel the love. 

The journey I've been on professionally though, has been one consisting of millions of little baby steps. When I was JW, I worked part-time and spent 100 hours a month doing volunteer work for them - for years. Arriving here, I felt like I was so far behind other people my age, I would never catch up. But I'm getting closer and closer to where I want to be. 

I saw my mother today, that relationship has been consisting of baby steps as well. Learning how not to push each other's buttons, how to peacefully co-exist with me as a non-JW has been a journey. 

I took her out to get our nails done and she tried to be discreet while she slipped a JW magazine into my favorite Buddhist book. I appreciate the sentiment behind it. I would never expect her to stop trying to win me back over to them. 

But you can count on this: there are two instances in my life where I will ever, ever again step into a Kingdom Hall: if I happen to be invited to my sisters wedding and my mother's funeral. Other than that, we've had a bad breakup and I'm not interested in revisiting it. 

Interestingly, the magazine she left me was entitled: "Why Go On: Three Reasons to Keep Living". Reason #2 was "Because There is Help". Second paragraph was entitled "People who care" and spoke to the fact that JWs have a unique opportunity through their outreach and door-to-door work to encounter "distraught people" who may have felt desperate and considered ending their lives. 

I quote: "Following Jesus' example, Jehovah's Witnesses care about their fellowman. They care about you." I hope that two of my best friends who I turned to when I was "distraught" and suicidal, who told me "there is no help for disfellowshipped people" and asked me not to try to contact their families again, read that article. Hopefully it will help them better understand their Christian obligations. 

I feel like the past five years has been made up of million of little baby steps. I'm not sure where it all will lead yet, but I know this much: I'm on the right path. :)