The Closet

First of all, how sad is it that "How I Met Your Mother" is over? I watched the series finale twice tonight and cried both times. I did a test on the Internet though and apparently I am Ted...that's not all that shocking. I know it's just the death of a tv show and I've lived through much worse, but it's sad all the same. 

Next up...I watched a Ted Talk. It was a lesbian talking about coming out of the closet and that gay or straight we all go through some point in our lives with something we don't want to share. And that hiding in the closet is no way to live. 

I totally agree. I know this is just a silly blog. But almost 30,000 reads into it, I know it must be resonating with people. I know that not just because of the comments and private messages I've received, but because y'all keep reading. I know there are JWs, ex-JWs, JWs who are contemplating leaving, and a bunch of other people who just can relate...not to the exact situation, but to the feelings that lead us here and the need we have to wrestle our demons every day just to stay sane. 

All of us have something that we'd rather keep quiet, hide away in the closet rather than voice it out loud. What happens then though is that then we are alone. In a closet. A dark, cramped, lonely place with only our fear and negative thoughts to keep us company. 

Being out in the open makes us much more vulnerable. I'm not an idiot. I hate the fact that I'm still a JW on paper but can never, ever get out either. I know that any day, any moment, I could get a call or an email from an elder and they'll want me to show up for yet another trial. And I won't go this time. I'm through with being judged for who I am. But then they can send me a letter, make an announcement. Tear me away from my sister who is suffering and sick and needs my support. There's really nobody else I have any kind of relationship or influence with, so it wouldn't really hurt me other than that. 

More than they'd be hurting me though, they'd be hurting her. I know how to play the game, how to act around them. I'd never try to influence anyone to leave. Over the past few years though, so many of them have come to me secretly with their doubts, fears, suspicions. Those people, I help them get out. And I will continue to. I've helped more people get out in a few years than all those years I was in there and helped people come in. 

I'm not trying to imply that I'm in the Hunger Games but a revolution is coming. And at least here in Canada, no one has been as vocal and exposed on this issue as I have. I don't do "anonymous". Anyone can come to me at any time because they know my stand, they know my name, they know who I am. 

I'm out of the closet and it's not always easy, it's not always friendly, but gawd, it feels good. I'm coming up on my five year anniversary. I can't believe it's been so long and all the things that have changed along the way. 

I'm grateful for the new friends who have stuck with me through crazy situations. I'm grateful that at least for the moment, I have a whole family again. I'm grateful for my job, I'm grateful for the people I've been blessed to meet along the way. I'm grateful for you, because you read me and validate the fact that the effort I put into this is worth it. 

Most of all though, I'm grateful to not be locked in a closet anymore. To not live in a life where I felt like I couldn't breathe and everything was dark. I'm grateful for the freedom telling the truth brings with it. 

I'm grateful for spring and new beginnings, and finally, finally shaking the fear that came from my past. 

Sullivan out.