Tell me about 4 am

I have a sleep problem. I wake up at 4 am almost every day, no matter what time I go to bed. Usually it's because I'm having a bad dream. By "bad dream" I just mean visits from ghosts of the past. They are SO REAL. I can hear their voices, see the exact color of their eyes. I remember our conversations. I wake up confused, disoriented and sad. 

My therapist likes to talk about this now. He's always asking me: "So, tell me about 4 am." Sometimes I can get back to sleep, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I do yoga, read books, listen to music, meditate.  

On Sex and the City the girls used to say it takes half the amount of time you were with someone to get over them. Considering how long I was there and the amount of people I've had to get over, I think I'm doing pretty good at only 5.5 years in. 

Recently I found something in a box. I had (geek alert!) a Winnie the Pooh guestbook that I used to leave on the coffee table for people to sign when they came over. This morning at 4 am I started flipping through it. Apparently I was a great hostess. I used to throw tons of dinner parties, I used to make cheesecake. I used to bring home boxes of mussels from PEI every summer and have a seafood-fest. 

The guestbook is actually quite funny, every page has a picture or a quote from Winnie the Pooh. People would add their own quotes, draw their own pictures, make fun of what one of our other friends had written. There's people in there that I completely forgot even existed. Then there's all the people who I don't let myself think about because it's too painful. Girls I was friends with since elementary school and was a bridesmaid in their wedding. Boys I was in love with at one time or another. 

Disclaimer: before you keep reading, this is a long one. That's what happens when you write blogs at 4 am. 

There are quotes from movies we used to be obsessed with, lots of thank yous, lots of compliments on the dinners and the one that gets me...lots of "I will love you forever".

That was back when I was a perfect hostess and a nearly perfect little JW housewife. At 4 am today I had to laugh. Because growing up that way wasn't ideal, of course I would have picked a different life if I could have. What I've had to overcome to get out? I couldn't do it again. I wouldn't survive a Round 2. 

I never answer the "tell me about 4 am" question. But if you'd like to know I'll tell you now what it's like. Sometimes it's lonely, sometimes it's sad or frustrating, sometimes it makes me happy. One thing is for sure though, I always know I'll feel terrible getting up for work in a couple of hours. Most of the times I wake up because of a bad dream. That means I'll be having a panic attack. It might take an hour or two for it to subside. 

Sometimes though, 4 am brings amazing clarity. There is only one person from that old life who used to be a close friend that I have completely hated. Even with all my efforts to be Zen, to have compassion, to forgive, to love. When I was suicidal I reached out to him for help. His answer? There is no help for the disfellowshipped. I've been upset about that for 5 years. 

Reading all his comments in my guest book next to all his ridiculous Batman pictures, along with everyone else's today, I realized that it's okay. We all have bad stuff that we wish had never happened to us. But before all that bad stuff, there was a lot of good, a lot of fun. If they hadn't chosen such an extreme way of treating me in the end, I may never have left. It was painful but they did me a favour. Because despite all the anxiety, despite the 4 am wake up calls, I'm really happy to have the life I have now. Those friends, that life was not a mistake. I didn't know any better. My marriage wasn't a mistake. It was the right fit for me at the time. And truth? I still love y'all. (Even you, you asshole.) :)

My therapist asks me why I can't just ask them to leave when they show up. It's because part of me doesn't want to. Part of me is happy to have that visit. But could y'all maybe wait until closer to 6 am? 4 is a bit early. :)

Sullivan out.