The River

My dog likes salad. Shocking but true. I accidentally dropped mine on the way to the table because he was running under my feet. He ate it all. Lettuce, tomatoes, olives, goat cheese, avocado, red peppers, balsamic vinaigrette. Max is obviously very health conscious and clumsy. Just like me. :) 

I saw Ross today as per every Friday. Fridays are my fragile days. The rest of the week and up until 3 pm? Bring it on. after that though, I'm not so well. 

Ross: How's the 4 am thing going?

Me: The usual. 

I have nightmares and I wake up with a panic attack every day at 4 am. Maybe you wouldn't call them nightmares. It's just these old memories of people who are no longer around and they come back. They seem real and they haunt me. I wake up in a panic. 

Today Ross had an idea. He was like, you want to cut your family off? Do a visualization. Put them on a raft. Say goodbye if you like, but they're floating away. So I came home and I took his advice. I lit some candles and thought about it. 

It's funny because I told my brother if I died before him I'd like to be set out to sea on a raft. Have some bagpipes playing (I'm mostly Irish but I'm also Scottish.) And then it would be really cool if someone could send a flaming arrow and burn me up. 

So I put them out on a river. First Linda. She didn't have that annoying disappointed look on her face that I've seen a million times. She is smiling. Then Erin. She's not so happy but she goes. Then a really big raft with all the people who show up in my dreams and still haunt my life - all my ex-best friends. They're on the party boat. But they don't seem happy either. They pretend they are happy because that's what Jehovah's Witnesses do. Otherwise, how could we convince you to join us?

Lastly but most importantly, is my ex-husband.  He doesn't like being social so as usual, he's in the corner, strumming a guitar. He's always fine on his own so no need to worry about him. Yet, he is the only one I cry for. 

I don't send Vivian out on a raft. I can't do that, she's my baby. 

Will this finally make the nightmares stop? I doubt it. But if I can sleep past 4 am, that's a win in my books. 

Sullivan out.