Under Pressure

Mondays are always the worst for me (click me). Getting up, facing another work week. At least on the weekends I can hide in bed whenever I feel like it. Monday - Friday though, my company owns me.

I always get up really, really early on Monday, so I can spend as much time as I like sitting in my big chair by the window, or doing yoga poses while chanting positive messages to myself like: "you are not your job", "you're good at what you do", "you work hard", "if this goes away it's not the end of the world", or, "we are not curing cancer." It was easier when I had a cat to pet while doing that.

Today though, it actually worked. Guess who didn't even have a panic attack at work? This girl. It's actually a much more productive day when you don't spend your lunch hour in the bathroom with your head between your knees gasping for breath and trying to calm down.

I'm not blaming the work. My anxiety issues go much, much deeper than that. But it is a stressful environment that needs to be approached with caution. My bestie works in Diversity and she's around the corner from me at the office. She asked if I'd be comfortable sharing my story for an upcoming campaign of some sort they're having on mental health issues. Apparently tons of Partners have shared personal stories on depression and anxiety. And y'all know I'm the biggest advocate of sharing your story if it can help someone else. I out myself all the time on this blog that's apparently hit over 24,000 page reads.

At the office though, I'm not sure where the boundaries are. I put on a really good front. Yah, some of them know about this blog and read me. When they go to my manager with their concerns about how I'm doing because of something they read, I really regret telling them about it in the first place. To me work and the rest of my life are completely unrelated.

I remember once, during a performance review, Stuart (Margaux hearts Stuart) in an attempt no doubt to be helpful, told me that I shouldn't come across as so happy. He said as a blonde, it made me look hmmmm....not so smart.

I had the one and only complete meltdown I've had at work. I started crying in his office. He had no idea how hard it was to pretend I was happy at that point in my life. Every day. Smiling and making jokes when I had actually just got out of the psych ward for trying to off myself. It was a lot of effort.

At the end of the day, we all have pressure to manage and I'm totally grateful for my job. It's a wonderful opportunity. And if nothing else works, David Bowie and Queen can sympathize.

Sullivan out.