Dear "John"

Just to clarify, this blog is not about my dad. I've just decided to never use real names again and I'm running out of generic options.

I wrote a rant the other day about guys never deleting your phone numbers and stalking you on LinkedIn and your blog so I won't bore you by revisiting it. (Although, I do think LinkedIn is kind of like your bitchiest friend who actually enjoys the drama and wants to tell you about all the people who are talking about you behind your back.)

When I wrote that though, I knew he was around. I swear to God, Ganesh and Buddha, I can feel that guy. I thought maybe he was just reading my blog but it wasn't surprising that a few days later I checked my (effing) LinkedIn and there he was, from a couple of days previous, "people who have recently viewed your profile".

The thing that gets me about LinkedIn is...you know that they will send me an email with your picture. And then I will know exactly what you did. It's the most passive aggressive way to remind me that you still exist.

When he worked across the street, I could always feel him before I ran into him at starbucks or subway, before we were both walking through the same park in opposite directions. It's because, and I still feel it to this day, we are soulmates.

I may just be reading too much of "The Wise Heart" lately, but this time it didn't even upset me. I looked at his picture in my email inbox, and I hoped he was happy. Dear "John": I miss you too. I was hoping we'd grow old together, in that beach house you said we'd buy with the counters that are all cork so we didn't have to use cutting boards when we cooked and have lovely redhead/blonde/strawberry-blonde children, but it didn't happen...and I'm ok with that. Although it devastated me at the time, now I think perhaps your soulmate is not the person you are necessarily meant to be with forever. Maybe they are just put in your path to help you see something important, help you change your life, which is exactly what you did for me. For that, I will always be grateful.

I vacillate these days between my career ambitions, my desire to find a good relationship, settle down and have kids and the thought that maybe I should just ditch it all, move to New York and try to be a writer. I guess I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up and...that's ok :).

My brother and I were talking the other day about how soon or now we should probably become adults, stop dating the odd hot 19 or 20 year old...but if we can still get away with it? Why not. We're secretly scared one day we'll wake up and look old but there really is no sense in worrying about the future, it may or may not ever come.

I have an orchid, one of my ex's bought it for me last mother's day, when my mom was still shunning me, 3 years in. He felt a little sad I think that he was going for dinner with his family and I was going home alone. It died of course, like orchids always do and for the next 8 months or so, I wondered whether I should just throw it out. I decided not to. Orchids are legendarily resilient and of course, eventually, beauty and life came back. Blue Fred is laughing about it, like he knew all along I just needed to have a little more faith that could happen to me too. Now I do. :)

*click me*... for you darling.