I have limited experience in parenting. Sure, I feel like I've raised so many other people's kids I could give you a tip or two...but they weren't mine. Except the one who really was. I wasn't her birth mom but I feel like the bond we had actually surpassed the one I have with my own mom. She was my baby.
Until of course, like everyone else from the old life, we were torn apart by religion. That was years ago and now that my mom and sister are back in the picture, there are only two people I really, really love who are still missing. Her and Travis. Travis, got remarried. He's not coming back and I'd never try to make him do that. I've accepted that.
Her though, I haven't given up on yet. We had lunch today after a couple of years apart, and I realized how much I'd let her down. Parents (even pretend parents) are not perfect. We only really start to realize that in our 30s. In our 20s, we still feel oh so damaged by losing what we looked up to, idolized. If our parents mess up in life, how can we feel secure that we won't?
I got divorced and losing the me and Travis fill-in parents combo has been a lot for her to deal with. I let her down by not being able to be perfect. I admit and accept that.
I hope someday though she'll realize exactly how much I love her despite needing to move on and make different choices for my own happiness. Sure the religion shit adds an extra layer of messed up, but we're all just doing the best we can, in the situation we're in at the moment. I understand that about my parents now. At the end of the day, love is what matters most, not being a hero. That's almost impossible to keep up with consistently. Imperfect people trying their best? That's attainable.
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