Gawd, I'm starting to feel old. Aches and pains and paying for it every time I wear high heels. My mom has this disease I would never even have known about and lately, these weird little symptoms I have are making me very nervous. I literally never thought I was going to get old, so this is interesting. I guess this is what the non-cult world has to deal with.
I have to say though, lately I feel like I've finally found my groove. Rebuilt my life in 4 years. Good job, cute flat, great friends, happiness, almost at peace of mind? Got it. It's been a hard road but the road less travelled is usually the one that pays off in the end and takes you somewhere amazing.
My girlfriend has cancer. Again. Yesterday Lindsay and I went to her place. We got groceries, cooked a bunch of food for the week. Watched "Say Yes to the Dress". She said she wished she had figured it all out sooner. I do too. I wish there was some way we could get to that great place where we are without going though all the suffering on the way.
Before I got disfellowshipped, I already used to ask God what he was doing. Why were things always so hard? What more did I need to learn? I believe that through our struggles, we learn more than we ever would have without them. That pain is instructive. That it teaches us to be better people than we would have been without it. And that through that, we can sit with someone else's pain and be there for them in ways we couldn't have, had we had the perfect life.
Donia is the same age my Uncle Ken was, a year and a half ago, when we went through that. I've honestly never met anyone funnier, kinder, more beautiful. Whatever happens now will happen and even though it makes me want to scream, I can't change it.
The only thing any of us can control is ourselves. My elder told me I had to write a letter and sign it if I wanted to get out. I had coffee with my sister on Saturday. We talked for a couple of hours and even though I still don't want to be a JW, I told her I wouldn't send the letter. Let the chips fall where they may, I know I tried to do it. And if there's a slight chance they won't hunt me down this time, and if it makes things easier for my family, I'll swallow this. It's a sacrifice, a compromise that they will never acknowledge, since with them, I will always be the one in the wrong, The Sinner. But that's ok.
Oh, and I'm going to sound like a broken record here, but I broke up with J again. He's lovely, it's just not the right fit. We both knew that from the start and I am so grateful he's been here the past few months. Nothing made me happier than coming home for lunch seeing him smoking out the window, still here.
Life is hard, but it's also beautiful.
Sullivan out.
No comments:
Post a Comment