One of the best friends I've ever had told me something today. She survived cancer, went through hell. Beat it. But it came back. This time, it's probably much more serious. And last time it was serious. Hearing something like that puts everything else into perspective.
All of my ramblings on here about whether or not to leave the j-dubs or how to move on from that...not all that important at the end of the day. Do you really care who I'm dating? Nope.
If you want to know though, I messed it up again. It's not you, it's me. Seriously J.
I'm going to write a "Dear Walter" note and disassociate myself from the JWs. Life is too short to waste any more time worrying about your cult-shit. I have to say, I had a good childhood. We all did. Yes, it was hard being the weird kid in class. Not going to birthday parties, not doing any of the holiday stuff, not standing for the National Anthem.
But we had a whole community/family that took care of us. And we had each other. Here, on the other side, more and more of us are re-finding each other and re-establishing those connections. That community though is gone. They can't help themselves. I ran into one of my ex-best friends the other day and the guilt was top of mind. They look at you with this extreme sadness and say they miss you. Like you're the one ruining their life. But at the end of the day, you are still right here. You're the exact same person you were when you were best friends. They have your phone number. They just choose not to have anything to do with you. They think their choice will force you to come back, to have their love again you just have to get in line and do what's expected of you.
Truth is, love, true love, is not conditional. To accept someone for exactly who they are, with all their faults (and being completely aware of your own), that is love.
So hey, I'm not perfect. But I do love you J. And I'm happy that the friends I have now are people who are going to be with me forever, whatever choices I make in life. This weekend sucks, but tomorrow might be better. Let's all send positive vibes to my good friend who is fighting the hardest battle. She used to call me Streetwalker Barbie. Sometimes good friends are actually assholes. : )
"Streetwalker Barbie" out.
This is what none of your friends get. These claims of rejection. There's been a lineup of your old friends around the block who each went to the ends of the earth trying to reach out to you and you rejected all of them to a person. Repeatedly and publicly.
ReplyDeleteNone of them cared about your past mistakes. Everyone's made them. They just wanted to help you heal and have a life. That's it. Everyone is mystified why you don't get that despite being so obviously unhappy.
We're all just scared for you. We all still love you. We all know how this movie ends. And the ending sucks. Every time. No exceptions. Please get that someday. When you do, we'll be right here with open arms. No judgments, no blame, just friendship and support.
So by "get that" you mean get back in line?? Go back to my meetings, buy into the JW teachings, rules and craziness again? Cut off all my new "innaproprite"friends who have been so supportive and so there for me over the past couple of years to go back to a bunch of people who didn't even check in on me for over a year, even though several of them were aware I was suicidal? Break-up with my boyfriend who treats me so great so I can go back to being single, maybe catch myself another elder/pioneer to marry so we can be poor and overworked?
ReplyDeleteI am not an unhappy person. I find it difficult to run into people I used to be close to and they walk right past me without so much as a smile, and this blog has been a great release for that negative energy.
I was sad on the weekend as my wedding anniversary came around again. I was devastated to hear Donia's cancer has come back. But I've got a pretty good life that I'm extremely grateful for, great family, great friends, good job, awesome apartment. I'm happy...and pretty soon you'll be seeing some really great pictures that prove it. :)
I love you marg. You have had the sad experience of being introduced and projected to a cult you had no idea you were entering. I am so proud that you have your head still up high with real, true made friends there to catch you if you break a heal of yours ;)
ReplyDelete