Hello Tomorrow

I supposed by now y’all are getting a little bit bored with my constant struggle with my mother, with leaving the J-dubs, with trying to find a man who will just love me for who I am.

So I have a treat. I’m going to have a guest appearance on the blog, at least for a little while. I know there are people like me out there who have suffered abuse or loss, who have fought to stay grounded during emotionally distressing times.

They live amongst us, like I do. Anyone who ran into me at my local bar on the weekend or saw me in a meeting at work would think I’m normal. That I’m happy. When I fell down last weekend and gashed my face open, my guy took me to Emergency. I sat in the waiting room at St. Mike’s, the same room I lied in for hours, handcuffed to a stretcher in my negligee, after the cops basically broke into my apartment, beat me up and dragged me off to the hospital. Without a sweater, or shoes. In the middle of the night, in the middle of winter. Just because the JWs called them.

I couldn’t do it, so I left. I went to a walk-in where my baby doctor googled what she should do about my lip laceration. At least now I don’t need botox. :)

I get up every morning, and I try so hard to just be normal. But it’s a struggle. The other night, I met this girl, let’s call her Julia. Julia is young and pretty. She has a lovely boyfriend (we’ll get into that later). She’s a writer, but more of a poet than me.

Julia seems fine. She’s fun. She’s complicated. She likes country AND metal music. She loves her family. On the outside? Everything’s great. But on the inside, she’s just like me. She’s afraid to tell her family the truth because of the way they always react. Families can’t help it. They worry because they love us. Their worry puts a burden on us though, to pretend we’re ok when we’re not.  She worries about her mom, who constantly makes her feel guilty without even trying.

The thing that gets me about her though is she didn’t give up either. Instead of running away from life, she writes her poetry, she loves her boyfriend and she’s optimistic. She wrote this:

Pain, sorrow

Say goodbye.
Hello tomorrow;
Blue skies.

When I told her I wanted to write about her, without any hesitation, she dug into her purse and pulled out her diary. And she just handed it over to me.

I think we all feel the pressure of maintaining that perfect appearance in front of the world but maybe if more of us just put ourselves out there as who we are, we wouldn’t feel quite so alone. Right now, I don’t. I really think it’s ok to not know what the next step is. If we are standing our ground in life while tidal waves wash over us, we will eventually, eventually come out of it as a stronger, better, more compassionate person. Through our pain we can learn more than we ever would have without it.

So here’s to Blue Skies and long weekends. More to come of my new friend’s story. And her boyfriend Cory. See? I’m a poet too. :)