Hurts So Good

I hear a lot of little tidbits here and there, here's one I'm going to share with you today.

Jerry Seinfeld was asked recently if work ever becomes easy or if it's a constant struggle. Now, most of us would trade places in life with Jerry Seinfeld in a second. Money? Yup. Got it. Fancy cars? You know it. Too many to count. A sense of humour and work ethic that's made him famous, rich and likeable? Check. His response to the question was: No, it's never just easy. But your blessing in life is finding the torture that you are comfortable with. 

I'm sure some people know just what their calling is in life, right away. That doesn't mean that work or family is never stressful, but they know they are exactly where they need to be. My grandma's sister was a nurse, and she said there wasn't a day she didn't wake up wanting to go to work. My uncle Ken spent his life pursuing his art, and that wasn't a salaried, pensioned 9-5. But he was doing what he loved. I bet most of us haven't been that lucky.

It may be the three days off work talking, but I'm feeling really happy right now. Am I in the right fit for me, long term? No, absolutely not. But I'm learning a lot, it looks good on my resume and I doubt I'll be in a situation like this again, working with brilliant people every day and even having a manager who cares enough about my development and happiness that she constantly spends her precious time thinking about how to help me make it all little bit easier to handle.

I won't lie. My job is great, but it's stressful. I have panic attacks pretty much every day. On the weekends, I've been pursuing the writing gig and especially lately with my new little project, there's been a lot of delving into the past. That gives me panic attacks too. The past little while, life has been emotional torture. Not because of external factors really, but I had yet another dream that I was with the old people from my past life and I actually woke myself up from a sleep panic attack. (Those are so rare and special. LOL.)

On the other hand, I also woke up this morning with my guy all wrapped around me like a vine around a tree. He's very affectionate. We took a walk down by the water, got some food, met up with my girlfriend. Another one of my constantly supportive friends who has turned into family slowly but surely. Recently, I've been to her mom's funeral and her dad's birthday. My ex's kid texted me yesterday that she missed me and we should make plans to meet up. I had spent the afternoon at a spa with my cousin, went to a concert with my brother. These people, have made up my "family" over the past couple of years.

And yes, I can dwell on the people I've lost, or I can focus on the ones I've gained through the process. Trying to get this story out has been the torture I'm not quite comfortable with yet, Jerry Seinfeld. I'm getting there though, one day at a time. My brother said yesterday he thought my new project was going to help bring some of the closure that I need so desperately. I'm sure everyone around me is sick of listening to the never ending delving into the past I got over awhile ago, but that has re-surfaced recently and consumed my thoughts.

Stick with me guys, I'm almost there. Once I get this project completed, I'll be back here with you in the present. Is it torture I'm comfortable with? Not yet. But soon it will be.

I went to bed early last night but I woke up to the oddest thing. There were beer coasters everywhere, on all the window ledges, one even got stuck until my AC. Apparently since I went to bed early last night my friends at the bar had a game on who could get a coaster through my window. These guys would die in the Hunger Games (just watched it this week, how could I have missed such a great movie?).  That's actually a funny story but I'll save in for next time. For now - what is the torture you can live with? And does it really "hurt so good"?

Mine does. :)