So I've decided to name my big, blue Buddha. He looks like a Fred. Call me crazy (I know...I kinda am), but I like it. Cat doesn't pay much attention to Fred, I don't think she's noticed there's 3 of us who live here now.
Fred and I were talking today about all those years I spent with the Vietnamese people and the English names they'd pick for themselves. For girls it always ended with a "y": Cindy, Jenny, Wendy, Kimmy, the list goes on. I'm not quite sure why that was. I knew one poor kid whose parents named him Strychnal. A quick google search will tell ya, he's not the only Vietnamese kid who had that to live up to.
I'm going off topic. Fred gets Vietnamese people (most of them are Buddhists) and he feels strongly that I should stop repressing all those old memories and make peace with the past. He's right. I loved them so much. They drove me crazy, yes. Learning their language sucked, yes. And I couldn't relate to so much of who they were. Or ever bring myself to eat tripe. But at some point, I just went with it. That was my life, these were my people. Their crazy was my crazy. I will never forget the night I spent at my friends place, the night her husband went to jail for getting busted in a grow-op. I went to bed with 2 of her kids. We couldn't fit vertically, so we all slept horizontally across the bed and I don't think I slept at all while her babies snored. And then we all got up and had rice for breakfast.
When I look back on my past life - it seems so crazy!!!! But good crazy. In the "let's put ice cream in root beer and see what happens" way. One of my friends is posting pictures on FaceBook from Vietnam and I think that's what's making me and Fred nostalgic tonight. She's one of 3 people I know right now who are taking time off and travelling around, having the time of their lives. One in Asia, one in Australia, one in Europe.
And they aren't kids either. They're my age or older. So I got a little inspired. I've been thinking a lot lately about what happens next? I know I still have a million things I need to get better at. But - in a short/long 4 years, when I had to start all over again from scratch, no home, no job, no friends, no husband, feeling suicidal all the time...I've come a long, long way. I wanted to show them what I was made of, and I did. I got a good job, great apartment, new friends to replace the old ones, adopted a new family...and still manage to pass myself off as 27 on dates. But what then? I don't think I'm in any place to settle down, have a family. I can't even keep a relationship going longer than a couple of months. So I need something else to do.
Saying it out loud will make me more committed, so I hope that, by this time next year, I've figured out a plan for the next chapter. I could never do what my international travelling friends are doing, I'm too straight-laced and responsible. But...I am lucky enough to work for a big corporate company. I could take a sabbatical. I love my apartment. But...I could sub-let it. If I'm smart and industrious, this time next year, I could be getting on a plane. And spending some time doing what needs to be done. Life has been way too serious. Not just the past 4 years, but always. Some time off couldn't hurt. I could meet new people, see new things, spend my time writing.
I don't need much to get by, I could travel light. However it happens though, Fred is coming with me.
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