Long Time Running

I love the Hip. This is a great song. One of my favorite memories ever will always be that night that we ditched the JW meeting and went to see them play instead. We had third row tickets at Massey Hall. I guess Gord Downie trumped Jehovah that night. 

For those of you who read me regularly, you know I've been having almost daily panic attacks for about two years. And that I've recently decided to get help. The medication hasn't been fun. I've had nausea, dizziness, sweating, my mouth has been so dry that I have to drink water every five minutes. Vertigo, tingling sensations, bad dreams. But half of those I had already anyway. 

A couple of days ago, I was having suicidal thoughts. I'd be sitting at my window and thinking I should jump out. Or taking a bath and thinking I could just drown...they only lasted a day though and I'm grateful to know that all of these are normal. I've talked to more than half a dozen friends who have been through this and they all say the same thing...get through two weeks and you'll be fine and feel much better. Knowing that, I'd never do anything stupid again. It's like when you have PMS and feel crazy but you know you're not so you just keep telling yourself this too shall pass. 

It's been nice not to have the panic hanging around though. At least I don't feel like someone is trying to strangle me while I'm having a heart attack. And knowing that SO MANY other people have been through the same thing and decided to get help makes me feel better. And know that we are not alone. 

I've been running alone for a long time. I've always prided myself in being strong enough to do this on my own. So I'd go to yoga, I'd meditate, I'd try to sleep. I kept a happiness journal and kept trying to focus on positive things. I'd read books on Buddhism. At the end of the day though, sometimes we need a little help. Especially if we're dealing with anxiety, depression, PTSD. 

Last time I was feeling suicidal, I took three bottles of pills and went to bed. This time, I called Liz. She showed up right away. I was too dizzy to walk straight so her and Doris held my hand and took me for a walk to watch them raise the Pride flag at city hall. It was a very touching moment. Lizzie is the best friend I've ever had and will ever have. 

Yesterday was the first day of summer. I wasn't feeling well and slightly depressed I was home alone all day on a nice sunny Saturday. My new friend, Cameron the beautiful, showed up with the Robin the pretty girl and they hugged me and held my hand. He told me that he wasn't good at talking about feelings. But he likes to read the paper after work. Anytime I was feeling bad, I should just call him. I can be sad if I want, he'll keep me company while he reads the paper. And if I want to talk about my feelings I should invite Robin too. And of course JJ has been here every day. I have good friends. :)

It's not easy to leave a life behind and make a new one, even after 5 years. My mother refuses to believe I'm actually happy, she says if I am, why do I have so much anxiety? I AM happy. This is just one of those obstacles you have to get over in order to find your destiny. And if everyone I know is right, I'm gonna feel great in a few days. :)

It's been a long time running, but it's well worth the wait. - The Hip

Here's a cute pic from before my meltdown, when I just met these guys who turned into awesome allies and friends.

Sullivan out.