The Memory Keeper

Yesterday was a bit crazy. After the fourth consecutive night of my-exhusband stalking me in my dreams I decided I probably need to purge. So I opened my cupboards. It amazing what you will find there. His old pay stubs. WatchTower magazines. A note from my neighbour that they left on the dryer saying "Thank you for folding my laundry." Apparently I'm a hoarder.

Purging a lot of that will hopefully make a difference. It was only one cupboard though, there's still lotsa drawers, the closet. The millions of pictures I still keep from my past life. In our group of friends I was always the memory-keeper, I took so many pictures people were actually annoyed, and I always told them they'd be happy about it when we were all old and we could look back on so many memories of when we were young and beautiful. It's too bad I'm the one who took all the pictures, because now, I'm gone and we didn't grow old together after all.

I am committed to this experience though, so I put on a pretty little dress and went out and sold my engagement ring. That wasn't easy.

After I cried about it, as if on cue, a couple of hours later, one of my very best friends in the world finally came home and showed up at the coffee shop near my place. We had the best afternoon on the couch catching up, looking at pictures and drinking Jameson's. I love him so much it's possible I may never have another panic attack again as long as he's home. Which he doesn't do very often.

I'm not sure what it is about having him around, I think it's just having someone close by who completely understands me and knew the before and after Margaux. Friends come and go in life, but there are a precious few you should hold onto. Work hard to bridge the gaps of geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need people who knew you when you were young.

I know I'm hard on myself, more than most people. But I think we all have to make peace with our past at some point. Realize what was in our control and what wasn't. I've been working so hard to try to catch-up to my peers but the choices I made when I was younger, weren't really mine to start with and I have to accept that I did the best I could at the time, with the information I had. So whatever happens in life we shouldn't congratulate ourselves too much or berate ourselves too much either. Our choices in life are always half chance, just like everyone else's. Comparing ourselves to someone else is futile, because in the end, the only person we're up against in life is...us.

As long as we try to be the best version of us possible, we're a success. I'm doing the best I can to move forward while balancing my extreme attachment to the past. I got rid of a lot of stuff I don't need anymore yesterday. And last night? No visitors in my dreams from days gone by. At least for now though, I'm keeping the pictures. :)