Peaks and Valleys

I haven't written anything lately. Well I have, but when I'm in the mindset I've been in I just don't post them. What's the use of bringing y'all down with me? It wasn't entirely about the boy, although that was part of it. Some of it was about work, being worn out from a long, bleak winter and too much homework, some stuff about some frienships. Doesn't it feel sometimes that the harder we work at life, the more we just keeping slipping backwards? In the opposite direction of where we want to go?

The Chinese idea of the Yin and Yang is that although they are opposite in nature, they are both part of nature and rely on each other for existance. I've had a lot of change over the past few years and also recently. Change can be terrifying, whether it's something we've chosen or not. Even if it's something we think we want. Jersey Shore told me yesterday that "all change is good whether people recognize it or not". I'm not sure if I agree, I'll have to ask my therapist about that today. But I'm open to the idea.

If we look at nature, it would seem that he could be right. Everytime someone dies, someone new is born. Sometimes a relationship has to end, to make room in our life for a new one. Last week, the trees in the park across the street were all bleak and dark, today as I look out the window, everything is green again.

I don't believe in God, but if we can believe that the Universe is always in control, we can have faith that everything happens for a reason. Even if we have no idea right now what that reason is.

I think the important thing to remember is that when we're feeling good and everything seems perfect and hopeful, it won't last. When we feel dark and sad and crazy, that doesn't last either. I had some time off work and felt dramatically that I needed to be somewhere else, anywhere else than where I was. Luckily, I have a good friend who just let me crash at his place, across town from mine. I sat in the backyard in the sunshine and read books and enjoyed a short, tiny mini-vacation from my life. The Cat was perturbed.

I have to admit though, I feel so much better now than I have all week. I may not even end up having a panic attack today. If I wrote down a gratitude list this morning, it would be long and substantial. Life is always going to go up and down, that's part of the fun. When we're kids, we all love roller coasters, adventures, unknown endings. There's no reason that being an adult should be any less fun or exciting. If we can remember that when we're in the valley, it might be hard and dark and we might even have a long way to climb to get back up to the top of the peak.

But we'll all get there if we keep working at it. And we might even realize that we're not alone in our journey, all of us, all of humanity goes through this cycle as well. Some of the most difficult things we accomplish can turn out to be the times in life we look back on as being the most satisfying, the most rewarding, the best opportunities we had for personal growth.

The good thing, is that we all reach those highs and lows at different times, in different ways. So it's entirely possible that while we're on an upswing, we can reach out and pull someone else up with us. Or, if we're on our way down, someone else will make us breakfast and give us lots of hugs until we feel better.

That's the best, or worst of real life. It keeps trying to make us happy, and succeeding, even if we are determined to be unhappy and romantic. Just go with it. Life's too short to stay in the valley for too long at a time. :)