Something wants to come out tonight, not sure what it is. I keep coming back to this page, closing it, re-opening it. It was my last class for one of the classes I'm taking, so I went, did a presentation, came home and worked on the paper I have due for tomorrow night's class. The last last class of this year.
Part of me is a little sad, I really liked this term, the teachers, the classes. Part of me knows I really need a time-out, so this is a good thing. I bet y'all wish I'd go back to writing sappy blogs about silly guys I'm dating, this can't be all that interesting to read. The truth of the matter is - I've become boring. Not so boring that I probably couldn't shock you with a couple of recent stories, but boring enough that most of my life is just work and school and the odd date with my brother or my ex-boyfriend.
I do spend enough time at the downstairs bar with Krista that I won a football t-shirt the other night. So did she. We're fabulous, so we're never gonna wear those, except to bed.
Going into the holidays alone is a little scary. I wish my family lived closer and I could go home. I haven't been home in a long time. And this exact time last year, I was locked up for trying to kill myself. Not the best holiday memories.
But I've come a long way since then, and life will never seem that desperate again. To be honest, I could probably still take it or leave it. But it's getting better day by day. It feels like a shame not to get a tree this year, so I think I'll go for it. Decorating it is always fun (for the whole one year I did it), and I still have all the decorations that Steve got me last year and the xmas music cd.
I may still be in repair, even now. But since last December, I made peace with Adam. I have plans to see my mother. I have friends that I really like. No one has made it into the love category yet, except maybe Liz, who this time last year, tried to save my life. But I'll get there. I managed to keep my job (both of them), get straight As (in both classes), and although I might not really be in love with life, I'm extremely grateful for all the good things.
It still sucks to be home alone when you're sick, or walk through the grocery store and watch all the happy couples (I love grocery shopping, there's something about a grocery store that just calms me), but I almost don't remember what it was like being married and going to bed with the same person every night and waking up with them every morning.
Waking up with a few strangers is enough to convince you that's not who you are or what you want. I don't think I know what I want yet, but at least I know what I don't want. And that's half the battle.
At the end of the day, all of us are in survivor mode. The good times come and go, like waves on the sea. The storms will crash and beat you down, but if you know you will always survive them, there's nothing to be scared of anymore. And not being scared anymore, that's a miracle.
No comments:
Post a Comment