Nautical Disaster

Sometimes I feel adrift. Okay, more like I'm sinking. Like right now. But there are a few people who are always there for me.

And I have to say thank you. Jay always says "I got you". And I gotta admit, he does. You can't leave the apartment? I'll come over and hold your hand so you can take your dog out. You need money? Clothes? Company? I got you.

And he's not the only one but I figured it was time for him to deserve his own blog.

Last week was not great. I had to meet with a lawyer to resolve some issues. I had to contact my ex-husband to resolve some other things. Then the JWs thought it would be a good time to swoop in. Remind me of all the things I try to forget. I broke up with the guy I was seeing. I kept thinking about taking the sword off the wall and making this time be the last time I feel like this.

Then I thought about Donia, who was one of the best friends and best people I've ever known. She beat cancer twice. The third time won. Most people don't understand it, but depression is a disease too. She was so mad at me when I tried to kill myself because she fought so hard to live.

So round three is not going to get me. My bounce back time is getting better every time. I just hate this version of me. On the other hand, how lucky am I to have people who stick with me every time?

When Donia was dying, I sat by her hospital bed for hours every week, even when she didn't know I was there. I guess the Universe does pay it back when you're a good person.

This whole story didn't end up being all about Jay. :) But he did used to drive me to the hospital to see her and wait outside for me and take me home. He sits with me when I cry. He makes sure I eat. He loves Max. He's paid my vet bills when I couldn't and slept by my side when I couldn't be trusted to be alone.

Depression lies to us. It tells us that we are not worthy of love. That we are weak. And society hasn't caught up to accepting the fact that this is not some made up condition in our head. And those stigmas? They aren't true.

If you are dealing with this too, just know you're not alone. And the fights not over until we decide it is. Me? The sword will stay on the wall. I'll be on that plane on Friday and soon I'll taste salt water again. I'm the Captain of my sinking boat. I can choose not to drown. : )

Sullivan out.