Spark of Madness

"You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it" - Robin Williams

Alright, I don't want to jump on the Robin Williams bandwagon. But I do need to say, growing up with him, he was a comic genius. He brought so much joy to so many people's lives, but at the end of the day, he lost the battle against depression. 

I don't blame people who do. Some people think it's selfish. Some people judge. Some people can't possibly or maybe, will not possibly find a scenario in their mind where someone might get to that place. 

Having been there, I can tell you, it's not a selfish decision. When I decided I was done, I didn't write a note. I didn't blame my family or friends. I just did what I thought I needed to do, curled up in bed with the Cat and went to sleep. 

Thankfully, I have amazing people in my life who somehow figured it out and came to the rescue. Would I give up on life now? Absolutely not. But I understand how we can get there. I understand how fucked up family and life can get. I understand how disappointed we can be when things don't work out the way we thought they would. 

I came from a background where I was brainwashed by a cult and I never knew that I would get old. Now I see the lines around my eyes and I know what's coming. It's terrifying and new and unnatural. It's also satisfying. 

Knowing that this life is all there is, makes it so much more special, so much more precious. I've felt deeply the loss of parental love. I'm sure they love me, but they don't know how to show it. I've lost love, marriage, family, friendships. I went to see my favorite band, alone a few nights ago. I've never felt so happy, or at that level of peace. 

When Rosemary wrote my story she called it "Starting over". It was the perfect title. Sometimes you need to leave everything else behind and start a new journey. I've met parents and sisters and friends and even the perfect soulmate. 

I don't know where I'll end up. Right now, I just remember how the journey began and we'll see where it ends. The people along the way have made it worthwhile though, even if they don't know that. 

I went out with my adopted family on the weekend and they were so cute. "Dad" wouldn't let me pay for my dinner and T wouldn't stop going on about how we were sisters now. I got a message from him today and he always signs them "D" (for dad). I wish my own dad would call me but I guess you can't change fate. You just have to be happy for what you have. What I have is way more than enough to be happy :)

Sullivan out.