Spark of Madness

"You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it" - Robin Williams

Alright, I don't want to jump on the Robin Williams bandwagon. But I do need to say, growing up with him, he was a comic genius. He brought so much joy to so many people's lives, but at the end of the day, he lost the battle against depression. 

I don't blame people who do. Some people think it's selfish. Some people judge. Some people can't possibly or maybe, will not possibly find a scenario in their mind where someone might get to that place. 

Having been there, I can tell you, it's not a selfish decision. When I decided I was done, I didn't write a note. I didn't blame my family or friends. I just did what I thought I needed to do, curled up in bed with the Cat and went to sleep. 

Thankfully, I have amazing people in my life who somehow figured it out and came to the rescue. Would I give up on life now? Absolutely not. But I understand how we can get there. I understand how fucked up family and life can get. I understand how disappointed we can be when things don't work out the way we thought they would. 

I came from a background where I was brainwashed by a cult and I never knew that I would get old. Now I see the lines around my eyes and I know what's coming. It's terrifying and new and unnatural. It's also satisfying. 

Knowing that this life is all there is, makes it so much more special, so much more precious. I've felt deeply the loss of parental love. I'm sure they love me, but they don't know how to show it. I've lost love, marriage, family, friendships. I went to see my favorite band, alone a few nights ago. I've never felt so happy, or at that level of peace. 

When Rosemary wrote my story she called it "Starting over". It was the perfect title. Sometimes you need to leave everything else behind and start a new journey. I've met parents and sisters and friends and even the perfect soulmate. 

I don't know where I'll end up. Right now, I just remember how the journey began and we'll see where it ends. The people along the way have made it worthwhile though, even if they don't know that. 

I went out with my adopted family on the weekend and they were so cute. "Dad" wouldn't let me pay for my dinner and T wouldn't stop going on about how we were sisters now. I got a message from him today and he always signs them "D" (for dad). I wish my own dad would call me but I guess you can't change fate. You just have to be happy for what you have. What I have is way more than enough to be happy :)

Sullivan out.

Big Love

Last night I was at the bar downstairs. (Shocking, I know.)

Someone came up to me and said they'd read the magazine article, they'd read my blog. They thought I was a good writer. He just had one question: Is "Eric" the same person as "Big"?

Hell ya. 

I was talking to my girlfriend this morning about soulmates. Now, I know Matthew Hussey is going to have a hissy fit over this but I believe in this concept because, I've been there. And so has she. 

Maybe your soulmate is not the person you're meant to be with, for a variety of reasons. What I think impedes it from working out the most though, is the fact that it's terrifying. To love someone that much? It's the most wonderful and horrible thing you'll ever experience. They have the power to make you smile bigger and feel happier than you ever have and at the same time, rip your heart apart. It's too much for most people to process. 

On one hand, you can say at least I had that once. I got to feel the way I did. I will not die not knowing what it's like. The problem with finding it though is trying to move on afterwards. There are so many different kinds of love out there and they all serve their purpose. I could have stayed on the "safe and easy" path with my husband. He never would have left me, I never would have had to experience being alone. 

If you don't know what you're missing, it's easy to live without it. But it's like going out for a great steak dinner and then going back to your local pub and ordering one there. You were happy with it before the other one blew your mind. Now, it just doesn't satisfy you. 

I've dated some great guys since Big. GREAT guys. But no one who gave me butterflies just by looking at me. No one who I wanted to have kids with. No one who I would have been happy to die in their arms. No one who I ever thought we could just live anywhere or anywhere with just us because we wouldn't need anyone else. No one I could picture sharing a single bed with because that's all the room we'd ever need. 

So this is the opposite of my usual Margaux posts where I'm all girl-power and moving on and creating our own destiny. I still believe in all that stuff, I guess having all my past churned up the past few weeks in such a public way just makes me wish things had turned out differently. 

There's good love, great love, big love. They're all special. You shouldn't turn you back on a big love if it comes along though. That's your one chance. You get one.