Sibling Rivalry

I have three siblings, four if you include Kyla. Which I do. Erin, Michael, Matthew...Kyla.

Saturday night was strange because we all were together for the first time in forever (not Kyla, she was only here on the phone). But good strange. I had to work much too long on my "day off" (which means a whole 8 hours) even though I booked it off ages ago. But I managed to make it to dinner and we all had quite the time of it for the rest of the night. A nice dinner and some live country music at a hole in the wall bar with Mike and Erin. Matt and I soldiered on to dancing and afterwards a drink at the downstairs bar to finish off the evening so he could meet some of my eclectic Toronto "family". It doesn't get better than that.

I have to admit, I still struggle with some of my family dynamics. My need for complete and total "honest living" now (despite how unpleasant, looked down upon or just downright embarrassing it may be), conflicts with certain social family situations. Like being around my mother or my sister once in a blue moon and they act like everything is fine, and we're all great friends. But we're not. Because unless we're around the family, they shun me. The whole thing feels wrong and hypocritical to me. But I play along, hoping that someday, things might change for the better. Even though I know they won't.

Sometimes though, I struggle with whether I should even play the game at all. It's really the only part of my life now that makes me feel bad about myself, or question whether or not it's ok to follow your heart and choose the life that's right for you, whatever someone else might want you to do.

To me, going back to the cult would be a prison sentence, worse than any other fate I could imagine. I've already broken out of prison, and it nearly killed me so going back is just not an option anymore.

I guess I'm just grateful that we can build new family, the people we choose to be close to, to let into our lives. It doesn't replace the people we lose along the way, but it makes dealing with our demons a whole lot easier.

It was great to reconnect with my little brother Matthew this past weekend. It's a shame so much of my family lives so far away, I can't help but wonder how many things I've missed over the years living in Toronto. But it's ok. Because with real family, whether it's blood or the family you make for yourself, any time you are together, it's like no time has passed in the interim. And you're always HOME.