New Girl

In order to practice, we have to surrender, we have to take a risk. Otherwise what we’re doing is standing back in order to judge, in order to feel superior. Often the obstacle is fear: we don’t think we’ll ever succeed. And so we’d rather stand apart and be cynical, to feel protected in that way, not having to try. - Sharon Salzberg, "Sitting on the Fence"

Seriously people. Whoever is obsessed with "New Topic" has to either fess up or let it go. This was not a great blog on my part and you have to stop clicking on it. Obsessively. I will take it down.

I feel like lately, everything is coming together. People are reading the blog (like over a 100 people a day, although we'd have to do some math to discount the "New Topic" junkie), I had the interview this week with the writer, things are going well at work, I'm getting great marks at school, as per usual - things are good.

Vienna wants to come back to Canada. Which I'm all for, except that it's super expensive and most guys don't seem to think a messed up ex-cult girl is worth any investment. I wouldn't want anyone to have any regrets.

For someone who always has something to say, I'm not really sure where to go with this right now. I have people who believe in me, yes. But the past week, I've also had my share of people who I thought were allies who don't support the path I'm taking. Maybe they are worried about me. Maybe they are scared of the JWs. I fully expect a severe retaliation if I were to ever openly say anything about the path I've chosen and try to explain why that is.

I guess I just don't expect it from the people I trust, the ones close to me, the ones who have supported me and the ones who have come to me for support and shelter. At the end of the day though, I realize that is because of their own feelings, their own path. Which is for them to figure out. As for me? I have to follow my heart.

That being said, honestly, I'm happy. I understand that not everyone can figure me out. It's taken me years of progress, therapy and tears to get to where I am today. It's a new me, who isn't afraid of anything, except going back to living a lie. That's the only thing I won't do for anyone else. I know that hurts some people. For that, I'm sorry. But for me to get up in the morning and look myself in the face in the mirror, this is the path I have to take and the person I need to be. Not just for me. I feel this whole experience has become so much bigger than me, and that there are so many people out there who are looking for support, answers, or someone who will simply have a voice for them because they can't do it themselves.

To those people the only thing I can say is: I'll happily take the fall for all of us. And something good will come of it. And you can call me when you're sad. :)

I believe in life after death. Even when it's just creating a new life after the old one died. We mourn it, as is only proper, for a more than the appropriate amount of time. But then, slowly, slowly, we change, much like a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. You wouldn't think it possible if you saw one crawling on the road. Somehow though, it is what it is. We become new, born again, and suddenly, everything is beautiful. Life is beautiful. Don't stop believing that. And I've got your back. If you're desperate and you need help, send me a message.