Let's say you make it through a trauma. You figure out how to survive. How to make new friends, enough to replace the old ones. You get a great apartment, do well at your job, people are reading your blog, you go back to school. You make peace with the past, and the people who were part of it. You clear away the anger, disappointment, hurt, rejection. You're on track for everything you wanted, you build a whole new life, completely new, yet not entirely different from your old one. You make it. Then what?
What happens now? You're stronger, but are you happier? You're free, but are you really? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like for all the change I've been through, I'm in the same place. The friendships go up and down, like the romantic relationships do. Sometimes you really believe in whatever it is you're working so hard for, sometimes you feel disillusioned. Maybe it's just that the corporate world is not what I'm built for. I think without a real love in your life, we're always missing something. And it may not be romantic love. Maybe it's a child or a cause or something that you give of yourself for and love more than you love yourself.
Unless you've found something you're willing to die for, can we really ever know how to really live? I doubt it. For all my talk of self-love, which I think is really, really important if you've never had it, at one time I did have a cause I would die for, a man I would die for, a child I would die for. Now, I have none of those things. The cause was a hoax, the man is marrying someone else this weekend, the child won't even speak to me, even though she wasn't even mine and I practically raised her. For all of my "bravery" in walking away, and all of the reasons I could never go back - I've gone too far down a different path, am I really better off? Probably not until I find something else I love and believe in that much.
It's possible all of that was just youth and naïvity, but a lot of it was just faith and love. And love is the greatest thing in the world. Without it, we are nothing.
Maybe one isn't supposed to know all the answers. Maybe you're just supposed to live and let life happen instead of wondering WHEN these things will enter your life. Too much analyzing takes the mystery out of life...trying to control destiny instead of letting destiny happen might prove less stressful for you. Then again, you could always get a puppy...a really cute puppy who's guaranteed to love you unconditionally and always will be glad to welcome you home :)
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