She sees the world through rose-colored glasses

"You should say what you mean," the March Hare went on.

"I do," Alice hastily replied, "at least I mean what I say - that's the same thing you know."

"Not the same thing a bit!" said the Hare.

I don't want to say too much for fear of jinxing things. (I'm probably too old to believe in that.)

Oh well, I am what I am. I met somebody recently, and he's lovely. Sometimes I feel like I'm always going to be that girl, the one who is better off alone, because anytime anyone gets too close, I push them away anyways. Doesn't really matter if they're lovely or not. It's not you, it's me.

But sometimes someone comes in, and even though your first reaction is to get rid of them, you don't. Maybe you can't. We'll see what happens. But for now, I'm pretty happy.

I am pretty fascinated tonight with reality vs. fantasy. I'm as much of a life cheerleader as a lot of you. Sometimes, yes, you can tell I get down, but the spin on most of these stories is hopeful, wishful, romantic even.

And a big part of that is being positive, appreciative, optomistic. I can't help but wonder though...how much of it is a lie? And if we were really honest with ourselves on where and when we were lying, would we make different choices? And in the end, would that lead to us being really happier, for real?

Self-awareness if difficult to attain, for we're told since we were children what is right, wrong, acceptable. We grow up longing for acceptance and wanting to do the right thing. Does that mean what we're doing is the right thing for us? Not always. Sometimes we are merely striving for that acceptance we feel we should want. Even if it leads us down a path that we would never have chosen for ourselves.

On one hand, I'm extremely grateful for my job and the opportunities it affords me. I know I'm lucky. On the other hand, the panic attacks start at noon on Sunday and last all week. How long can I live like that? Until one day it's not a panic attack and it's a real heart attack?

I'm grateful I've repaired my issues with my mother. But that means that now, I'm open to the never-ending stream of emails that blame all my problems, sickness and anxiety on the fact that I left God and the group, and the only way to get better is to come back. (I'm never going back.)

I will probably never fall in love again, because once everyone you've ever known abandons you overnight, new people have a hard time getting in. I have nice friends I'm grateful for, but they're still just nice friends that I'm grateful for.

So what's next? We put on our rose-colored glasses and keep moving forward. But in the back of my mind, I'm going to try to be more honest when I smile and say the right thing. I might say it, but I also need to start listening to what I want to say. And maybe eventually end up doing what I'd rather be doing with my life.