Twilight

Either I've got my second wind tonight, or I've become a vampire. Last night I was up until sometime around midnight working on a 10 minute oral presentation I had to give in class tonight. I finally went to bed and slept until about 3:30 am. Then...I was up. Drank a lot of coffee and went to work today, wrote a list of my must-do to-dos, it was 15 items. I accomplished about 6 of them between 8:30 am and 6 pm. Damn big corporations and their incessant need for meetings. I could get so much more work done if I didn't have to go to so many meetings.

But I didn't really even make a dent in my list and that's what I was stressing about last night. That, and the presentation tonight, and the two papers I have due tomorrow. I've decided to rebel against them and go to bed instead. I'm tired. Working all the time, carrying an A average...the presentation went well though, and I even got a laugh out of the audience when the Prof played back the recording and asked me what I thought of it, and I said I thought my hair looked fabulous.

Joking aside, I might take a break from school this next term. I don't sleep anymore, I'm back on the panic attacks, my blood pressure is extremely elevated...and I'm too young to have a heart attack. And I've been sick for over a month now. And it's getting cold. Do I really want to be walking to Ryerson through the snow and the slush for the January-April months? I took a different route home from school tonight, because the homeless people are getting hostile. Better to be safe then sorry. Maybe it's because they are cold.

I had dinner with Chris' parents and Temperance on Sunday night. She wanted me to stay and play, but I said I had to get home to finish my homework. She had a big project due and so did I (hers was on Tigers) so I said, you'll have to let me know how it goes and she took my hand and said, you'll have to let me know how yours goes. I looked at her. She's 9. And here we are.

Something I realized on Sunday, as I was going to see them, after the work week, after the school projects, after the restaurant job, after seeing a few of my girlfriends is...this is my life now. It's become full-sized, it takes turns being stressful and busy and happy and fun. I have more than enough friends. I can't go to the bar downstairs from my apartment without meeting some cute guy who wants to buy me drinks and hang out all evening. (I secretly think my friend Raquel who owns it is using me as a marketing technique. Everytime she invites me to come down for a glass of wine, there's always, magically some really cute guy who wants to buy me drinks. I'm either a marketing ploy or she's trying to set me up...)

This life, my life, still feels weird, almost like trying on something you like, and it looks ok on you, but it doesn't quite fit and you're not sure why. Or a new haircut that's so dramatically different you sometimes don't recognize yourself when you walk past a mirror until you get used to it.(Sidepoint: I'm still not really used to my bangs. I think I might grow them out.)

I went through a ton of old stuff the other day looking for the appraisal on my wedding rings (after I put my dress up for sale, I thought why not?). I went through boxes and boxes of letters, cards, pictures of my old life. It wasn't better or worse than this one, it was just very, very different. Those people though, whatever has happened since I left, loved me in their own strange way. And I still love them. Especially Travis, I'm dying a little on the inside right now, but I wish him every happiness. I hope he finds what he is looking for in his new marriage.

And I hope someday, somehow, I can finally sleep.