Sad, Beautiful, Tragic

So Friday I was a bit down. I think it's just a combination of being sick forever, overtired, overworked. I just needed a weekend like this one.

Hanging out with the Cat, going to work at the restaurant, catching up with Tara, going to the downstairs bar, Betty's...I made a conscious decision not to do any homework, not to read my work emails. Just disconnect. It will all be there on Monday, waiting to get done. In the meantime, I made a lasagna, bought myself flowers and saw my friends.

I brought Julie flowers too yesterday. Sometimes, tiny little things can make a girl so happy. Like a lot of people in my life now, she'll probably never realize how absolutely essential she has been in my recovery. Ok, as I typed that, I knew it was the right word. Recovery. I'm currently in repair. But I'm getting there.

There are these people out there, like Chris' family, and Julie, and my "new" friends, who will pick up a broken girl and love her for who she is. Which is crazy, because the people who knew me my whole life, when I tried so hard and worked so hard to be perfect, will walk away from you overnight, and never talk to you again, just because someone else told them to. And I was so much "better" then than I am now.

I'll probably never understand it, and that's ok. That's what they need to do. I'm just happy I don't have to be one of them anymore. And I pledge to always, always, appreciate the people who are here now. And try my best to get over my issues and accept that they love me and not expect them to leave. I still believe, deep down inside, that everyone is going to leave. I've become really good at being alone. But that's my own fault.

In my last post, when I talked about never feeling anything, I know that's because if I felt anything, I'd have to admit that I love people again. And if I decided to love anyone, I might get hurt. And I'm not being self-indulgent or anything, but I've had my heart broken so badly, by do many people, I don't think I could survive anymore heartbreak. But the survival mode I'm living in just doesn't make me happy enough. Because I can't live this way. It's not the way this sad, beautiful, tragic girl is programmed.

So I'm going to change. Starting with yesterday, with Tara, Julie, Hilda, Jay, Krista. It was a great day. I am very, very, very lucky. And it's a beautiful, sunny day in Toronto. It feels like hope.