Girl, Interrupted

Another Friday night blog. I worked from home this afternoon, after going to the doctor and finding out I have bronchitis. No wonder I can't get better. Even after 5 weeks.

Yet, I soldier on. Going out with Red tonight, haven't seen her in awhile. It's Adam's birthday, so I need to suppress the urge to stay home and cry alone. I might cry tonight, but at least not alone. (To be honest, I did cry already tonight while watching the Walking Dead. Usually I watch all my shows at my ex's place, but I missed TV night last weekend and had to catch up.)

So we're not living in a post-Apocalyptic zombie-infested world (yet). But in some ways, I am. I don't fight zombies, but I fight ghosts of my past life. I think I'd prefer zombies. At least then it's not personal, they just want to eat your brain. And you can kill them. :)

Been feeling a little sad lately. Not sorry for myself or anything, life is great. I'm a lucky girl and I know that. I have great people who somehow have decided to love me.

For the longest time, in my own personal life interruption, the fight was all about survival. So much so, that I just don't know what matters now. I have a great job and a boss who loves me. That makes me happy. I like my volunteer work. I like school. I like my friends. I really can't think of anything that's missing.

But sometimes I wish, like in the movie, they would just take the girl who tried to kill herself and lock her up for a year or so until she had a chance to figure things out. I've put so much effort into rebuilding a life, a real life with everything I want in it, and I have it now. But it feels weird. It doesn't fit. It's by turns exciting, scary, lovely, fun...almost like an amusement park. I hate amusement parks. I like the ordinary. But I can't go back.

So we'll stay the course. And hope that someday we'll feel the way we used to. The passion and excitement and feeling. That's my problem. I don't feel anything anymore. Hopefully it's just a 3.5 year interruption. And it will come back. It was such a big part of who I always was, I miss that part of me. Come back.