The Winter of Grace

"By "guts" I mean grace under pressure." - Hemingway

Let's face it. Last winter was terrible. I was feeling a little sad on the weekend, in part because one of my ex-best friends was getting married, in part because my ex-husband was there with his fiancee, in part because my estranged sister was there with her new boyfriend.

A whole room full of people I used to be very, very important to, who now are no part of my life in any way. Not because we don't still love each other, but simply because of religious belief differences.

But there was another part to the feeling. It's starting to feel like winter (what happened to enjoying a little bit of fall weather?) and last winter was very, very bad. We watched a wonderful person we love very much slowly waste away from the monster that is cancer. (See Faith, Hope and Love.) I was able to push it aside in the nicer weather and have a recklessly fun summer, trying to forget about everything that happened, but now that it's getting cold, it's getting harder and harder to get that out of my mind.

Reckless summer and winter's arrival aside, I'm trying to be optomistic. I already know the melancholy and infinite sadness winter 2012/2013 will bring. Travis is getting remarried in January. Still seems too soon. And Nicole? Really? I don't see it, as nice of a person as she is.

Maybe he likes her because she is the exact opposite of me. She's dark, I'm fair. She's tall, I'm short. She's quiet and compliant. I'm emotional, outspoken and independant. Travis is not coming back. After all, it my choice to leave. My choice not to stay in a marriage where I would be forced to live a certain way of life, tied to a set of religious beliefs that I no longer had any faith in.

Well, don't worry. I'm not going to pull a Taylor Swift video moment and show up and try to break up the wedding. This is the Winter of Grace, after all. Instead, I had lunch with my mother. And then with my sister. It seems possible that's it's finally time, and I'm hopeful, we will all find a way to co-exist peacefully after three and a half years apart.

I've spent all night trying to write a paper for school, and here I am, on here instead. It's due tomorrow. I worked until 8:30 last night. Morale is low in the office of the CMO.

Even though it's almost winter, there may be good things ahead. But first, I need to stop listening to Freebird and get some sleep. The paper is almost done, will finish it tomorrow. And tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it.