Little Hell

"There's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me. From my haunted past comes a daunting task of living through memories."

It's raining again. It seems appropriate. Still trying unsuccessfully to do schoolwork while sick.

I've been deathly ill. My ex-boyfriend took on the task of taking care of me the other day. He is a great person. Kind, generous, thoughtful, creative and smart. He always has my favorite music and tv shows ready to go, dinner, a nice bottle of wine. He loves to cuddle, thinks I'm beautiful. Maybe I'm an idiot to want to stay single right now. I understand though, the crazy that I've brought to all my recent relationships, and I'm trying to keep anyone else from getting caught up in that. This is my cross to bear, and I have to do that alone.

Yes, I am much better these days. Reconnecting recently with my mom and sister has been good for me. It's not like at this point, after three and a half years, we're going to be anything special to each other. Although having something there is better than nothing at all.

But...I still feel lost. And with Travis getting re-married, I know the next couple of months with me would not be great. I need to figure out how to deal with that before I try dating anyone again.

I wouldn't want anyone (Dad) to think I'm not grateful that life has been so kind to me lately. Things are great at work. I'm doing well at school. I have amazing friends. But I can't help but shake the feeling that the little hell that is my past life in the back of my mind, that always pops up again in dreams/nightmares, may never go away. And that I may always be somewhat lost and alone.

Sometimes, I write here when I'm feeling sad, or sorry for myself. That's really not the case tonight. I had a great Saturday evening with my "Toronto family", dinner with my ex's parents and kid, we ate, we played, we watched baseball. I love them.

I went out last night to a Halloween party, dressed as a vampire with a bunch of awesome friends. (That's another one of those things I never got to do growing up.) Actually a friend of mine was shocked when I told him that the other day, he feels strongly that all cults should make the "fun stuff" mandatory. :)

And life continues to improve as more and more old friends wake up and walk away from the JWs and back into my life. People I've met try their best to understand it all, but these guys REALLY get me.

It's not easy. The year of being shunned, I accomplished nothing. Unless you count incessant crying and drinking copious amounts of wine. Then I went back. It's really only been a year and half since I truly left them. It does feel sometimes like I've survived a war and got out alone, leaving the people I loved behind. The post-traumatic stress lingers.

But don't feel sorry for me. That was a choice I made, knowing the consequences, and I own it. I could have gone back, I still can, anytime I want. I'm sure everyone out there has their own "little hell" that they are trying desperately to forget about, or heal from, wishing it was just a bad dream they could shake off in the morning.

I have been so lucky on the "other side". Sometimes I just wish I was a little bit younger, a little less damaged, a little more optomistic. But it's only been a year and a half. I won't always be a fragile bird who always flies away from anyone who gets too close. And someday the blackbird will become some happier color.