The Man in the Mirror

Did you know Michael Jackson was raised JW too? Probably not.

Random fun fact. (I do love this song.) I'm not saying that's the whole reason he was slightly crazy.

One of my best friends got married yesterday. Ex-best friends. It looks like Travis is next. Then my sister. Yes, I'm happy this way. Things are really good and I have a lot to be grateful for. I can't help but worry that I may never look in the mirror and actually know who I really am.

Margaux today is so polar opposite to the person I always was. I've tried almost everything trying to figure out who I want to be now. I still have no idea.

I ran into Adam on Friday. I don't know who he is anymore either. But here in Toronto, he's the only person who really knew who I was before my old life went away.

The work thing is going great. But corporate? I'm good at it, but it's not really me. I spent 13 years working part-time and doing 100 hours a month of volunteer work. I started a new volunteer gig last week. It makes me re-evaluate everything else.

We don't live in a world where single girls living in a big city can just quit their jobs and go do volunteer work. The JW in me is hard to kill though. I'm sick of partying, sick of dating. Tired of working for a big corporation with a bunch of people who care about their jobs more than anything else.

Most nights now, I just come home and put on my pjs by 7 pm. Two of my ex-boyfriends called me last night. If I wanted to pick a normal happy ending, I'm sure I could. But I've already got one divorce under my belt, not gonna do that again.

I wish I could do something to make the world a better place. Make a difference. And it would be nice to not be alone anymore. It's been a long time. Find a way to reconcile who I was with who I want to be. Look in the mirror and recognize myself. But I guess I just have to be patient. Victor Hugo said in Les Mis, "Will the future ever arrive?...Should we continue to look upwards? Is the light we can see in the sky one of those which will presently be extinguished? The ideal is terrifying to behold, lost as it is in the depths, small isolated, a pin-point, brilliant but threaten on all sides by the dark forces that surround it; nevertheless, no more in danger than the star in the jaws of the clouds". I hope so.