The One that Got Away

Is it scorpion season?

Just a couple of days after my last blog (see Sting of the Scorpion) I decided to work from home. Best thing in the world is a sunny Friday afternoon, working in your living room. (Not really the best thing, the best thing would be not working and napping instead. But it's a pretty good gig.)

I decided to go for a walk at lunch. I am in desperate need to do laundry, I had nothing to wear. So I put on a pretty party dress and a pair of heels and headed out. I walked right into my first Scorpion, having lunch on a patio with my ex-boss. I haven't seen him in months.

In spite of the inconvenience that comes with accidentally running into the only man who has ever completely shattered your heart, I think the Universe knew I needed a check-in with someone who knew me before everything fell apart. I was happy to see him. The panic attacks went away.

I sat down with them and chatted. It took me right back through time to a place where everything used to feel ok. Not strange and lonely and scary.

Eventually Doug left and here I was, alone having lunch with Adam. He looks a little different. A little older. He's obviously had a haircut recently. He shared his lunch, I shared my life.

It was easy, natural and real. It was like we hadn't just gone years being apart. The challenging thing about having a soulmate out there, who you've already met, is knowing about Him. Knowing that he may have been your only chance at real happiness.

I'm happy now. But not the way I was with him. I have never felt that before or after. After all the hurt, the pain, the tears, the insomnia, the anxiety, I'm not angry. There is only love.

I told him my wine throwing story, he thought it was definitely in character. I told him about work and school and friends, all the things I've managed to accomplish since he left me.

I read once (oh gawd, I think it was in Eat, Pray, Love - I hate that book):

A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever. Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it.

I will always be grateful to Adam. He let me love him enough to be brave enough to leave an entire life for him. Marriage, family, community, friends. It was the hardest thing I ever did. But it was the right thing. And I couldn't have done it without him.