Big girls don't cry

The weekend after I got home from New York, I got some BIG news. It looks like my ex-husband is getting remarried. As I have literally no JW connections anymore, I found out from my girlfriend, who happens to clean his teeth. I guess we still go to the same dentist. Actually, that's one of the reasons I hate going to the dentist. It's right across the street from his work. I'm always afraid to run into him, and have him walk right by without acknowledging me. That would hurt.

We all know I've been trying to move on as well. I've had a few boyfriends this past year. But getting remarried? Just a little over a year after we cried when we signed our divorce papers? After being together for 10 years? It seems much too soon.

So I cancelled my plans for the day, stayed home and cried for 7 or 8 hours. I couldn't stop. I got out the wedding pictures and cried over them.

I cried about everything we had together, everything we lost. I cried because when I got married, I thought it would be forever. I never envisioned getting divorced. I cried because I still miss Travis. Not every day anymore, but often. I spent a third of my life talking to him, dancing with him at weddings, going on dates, watching tv, having our friends over for dinner parties. Going to cottages. Travelling.

We learned to speak Vietnamese together, travelled to Asia. We got MARRIED. We went to every Blue Rodeo concert there ever was. We laughed. We picked out furniture. He was the first man I ever slept with. He was the best friend I ever had. In the end, leaving him was so much harder than leaving every other JW I had ever loved combined.

Growing up with divorced parents, I never learned how to feel secure in relationships. I could never say no to anyone, because I was always afraid someone else would leave. Travis was as close as I got to finding that kind of security.

Being completely alone for a couple of years has actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise for me. As much as we look for someone else to trust in, to take care of us, if we don't take the time to make things right with ourselves, to love ourselves and trust ourselves, even falling in love and getting married will never make us feel complete.

I always had the ability to find someone who would love me unconditionally, like me for who I was, in all my imperfection. Someone who would be there for me every day, through the good times and the bad times. I just didn't like her, didn't trust her, didn't listen to her and didn't take care of her.

Margaux and I took a couple of years to straighten things out between us. But we're in a good place now. We still miss Travis, but we know that walking down a different path, alone together, was the right choice.

I don't regret marrying Travis. At the time, in the life I was in, that was the right choice for me. And I will always have a million memories that make me smile. I was sad when I heard this news. I know it means we will never get back together. But that wasn't going to happen regardless. I know it means we will never be able to be friends. And that makes me sad too.

I had a beautiful, perfect wedding. Most girls want that at some point. As much as I hope to someday be with someone, I don't necessarily need to have that experience again. We'll see what happens.

In the meantime, I'm happy for Travis. I can continue moving on, guilt-free now, knowing he's found happiness again. I will always love him and if this is what he wants, now, at this point in his life, I'm so happy he's found it.

So I guess it's not true that big girls don't cry. It was only right for me to spend that Sunday mourning this new development in life. I felt horrible the next day. (And looked horrible. I'm an ugly crier.) But I got up, dragged myself to work and back into reality. And reality means fairy tales don't always have happy endings. Not all loves last forever. Some aren't meant to. Being a short story instead of a complete novel doesn't make a love any less significant.

This chapter of my life is definitely closed now. But all that means is...you get to turn the page. :)

Hmmm. Guess I'm not just Blackbird anymore. Freebird:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHx7vaa9Fwo