Give me everything tonight :)

Tonight. I want all of you tonight. Give me everything tonight. For all we know, we might not get tomorrow. 

I know what you're going to say. I've been posting too many blogs lately, you can't keep up. What else is little A-type going to do on her vacation? Relax? Clean my apartment? HA.

I think all the artists out there: songwriters, painters, poets, writers, whatever we are, are somewhat tortured. There's something wrong with our brains. We feel too much, we feel it ALL.

So we write, or draw or make music to get it out. After I got home from lunch today (don't worry, I know y'all are going to throw up in your mouths if I post any more cute pictures of me and Lindsay, so I won't) I spent more hours on the phone than I think I ever have, catching up with the people I love and sending and replying to Merry Christmas texts. My ex's parents, Grandma, my very few lifelong friends who left the cult too (Imagine: we could all wish each other a Merry Christmas, such a novelty!), everyone I've ever dated. Then my gay fairy-god-uncle Brett called. There's someone I can talk to about anything. So we settled in for a chat and over an hour later, when the boys got back from grocery shopping and they asked who he was talking to, we all had to laugh that it was still just me. 

We'd both been drinking so the conversation went downhill pretty quickly, but he did say he loved my blog, and when he reads it he realizes I'm not as messed up as I seem to be. Thanks Brett. Seriously though, I dare you to read my blog, from the beginning, the whole story from then to now and not be able to think I'm pretty well adjusted, considering. Yes, sometimes I rage against the JWs, the corporate world, walking to school on cold winter nights, the past...but for all that shit, I'm pretty normal. 

I don't have a great point of reference for where I am in my writing compared to anyone else. I really only follow two bloggers, The Bloggess and Matthew Hussey. The Bloggess is posting on Christmas day and tweeting like crazy, so I don't feel like all that much of a loser for doing the same. Matt's angry at me right now because it's the 25th and I didn't really follow his December regiment on how to find the guy you're going to kiss on New Years eve. (Apparently it only takes a month.) So I'll probably do the same thing I did last New Years and kiss a girl instead. No chance for any kind of long term prospect there, but they do have nice, soft lips and what else are you really looking for at midnight on New Years? Your soulmate? :)

Brett and I are a certain type of soulmates, so he graciously offered to be my donor if this kid bug I've got doesn't go away and I never find a boy to do it with. My uncle Ken would probably come back from the grave and punch his best friend in the face for knocking up his niece, but our children will be lovely. Short, but lovely. And they'd probably talk too much, drink too much and fight with each other to be the center of attention. They will definitely need a therapist.

If you think about it though, who didn't fuck their kids up? I was reading one of my Christmas present books, written by a famous shrink, and he said that if we grow up feeling safe, accepted and loved, whatever happens to us as an adult can't really shake that foundation. If we grow up without it though, it's always going to be an uphill battle to make it there.

So many people take the easy way out. They blame their past, give in to their vices, and ignore the important issues that we need to overcome to be the best version of ourselves. I won't do that. I'm finally in a better place than I thought I'd ever get to. And I swear to God, someday I'll be a famous writer and if I'm very, very lucky, a good mom who tries her best to only fuck up her kids a little bit. :)