Dying Young

If I die young, bury me in satin Lay me down on a bed of roses Sink me in the river at dawn Send me away with the words of a love song

I love country music. You should click the link, it's a great song.

So here we are at December 20th and I haven't written a blog yet about my suicide attempt anniversary. My brother and I were talking the other night and he thought we should do a theme party every year where we all come dressed up as how we would kill ourselves. He's lovely, really. Imagine it, people with knives in their heads and nooses around their necks and me dressed up as multiple bottles of sleeping pills. And then we all do a shot.

On a serious note, this stuff totally upsets my family so if any of you are reading this, feel free to close the web page now and wait for the next happy-go-lucky margaux blog. They don't like talking about anything that's actually important so we all pretend everything is just fine, all the time. I like to think if I had got around to having kids, I would have done things differently.

I'm happy to tell you I'm much better than I was at this time last year. First anniversaries are always the worst. I remember knocking on Krista's door and handing her all my sharp knives and asking her to keep them until I felt better. Gawd, I guess I'm lucky that after that we're still friends. I came home and lied down on the floor in the living room and I didn't get up for maybe 2 days.

I'm not complaining. I feel acutely how lucky I am and I feel so grateful for everything I have. And I have a friend who is dying right now way too young. I wish I could just swap our lives out, she's a better person than me.

I went to see Ross today (best therapist ever) but unfortunately, I found myself saying the exact same thing I said last year when he asked me his questions. Last year I said I couldn't help but wish I had been successful in my failed attempt. This year, I said the same thing.

Ross isn't worried about me and neither am I. Both of us know I won't try it again. And for all of you out there who look to me for inspiration, I'm not letting you down, I'm just being honest. I have a good life. One that is true to my values. I know that the old life was an illusion but it was one that I bought into. When 27 said the other night that I was sparkle and shine I couldn't help but think yes, that was me. A long time ago.

Maybe the problem is just that I see myself differently now than everyone else does. Clap your hands if you believe in fairies...