Nope, nothing. Nothing at all. I'm not sure how it works for most writers out there, but for me, I get this little voice in my head that seems to whisper a bit to me at first. If I'm feeling inspired, I can get out the laptop and work on that right away. If not, I wait, until it gets louder and louder and finally starts screaming at me and I have no choice, no matter what is happening, then to sit down and write something.
Lately, that voice has been disturbingly quiet. It's not like nothing is happening that I would usually want to talk about. Maybe too much is going on. I've sat here and started a number of blogs, just to save them to draft and put on yet another episode of Breaking Bad instead.
You'll be happy to know I've finally finished with that, and we can go back to all the "winter is coming" references as I transition back into Game of Thrones. And, oh, by the way, winter is coming.
I'll give you a quick recap:
- Man problems. I found myself out last weekend with 2 men I've been involved with, and while we all tried to pretend we were all friends and everything was cool, it really wasn't. Drama.
- Mommy issues. Yes, so this whole mom and sister deciding to ignore the fact that I called myself out as an "apostate" and pretending they didn't mostly shun me for 4 years is not sitting right with me. It feels weird. Just sayin'.
- Secret Life friend: here today, gone tomorrow. He's been around for awhile and that always improves my quality of life. As he was getting ready to leave, I realized I've become better at dealing with it. I barely even cried the morning he went to catch his flight. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. Happy for him as always, just can't help but be a little sad for me.
- Work. Enough said.
- School. I'm learning some really relevant things, but it's reinforcing how difficult a path it is to try to make a career out of being a writer. I guess I'm feeling a bit discouraged.
- This one is silly, but I usually dye my hair red in the fall and when I went to have it done last weekend I walked out...as a blonde. Project Redhead: Fail.
- Lastly, most of my (very few) very good friends seem to be in real relationships these days, so I kinda feel like odd man out.
Add to that the fact that I haven't been feeling well, apparently we have someone breaking into our building regularly and stealing things and the general transition to an unavoidable winter...and what can I say? I've been keeping my mouth shut.
You know me though. It's Thanksgiving weekend. And I'll be damned if this is a sad blog. Y'all know I LOVE Thanksgiving. It really is the best holiday. Turkey dinners and friends and family and a reminder that we should really wake up every day with a gratitude list on how lucky we are to live in a world where things really, as bad as they get, are not all that bad.
I went downstairs tonight to the bar for a drink with one of my best friends, and ran into a girl I've met there a few times now. Her and her boyfriend are total sweethearts and last time I saw them I told them a little about this blog. Apparently they both went home and read me.
She came up and gave me a big hug and said that even though her experiences in life were different than mine, she could relate to a lot of the things I've expressed on here. She said I was a strong person, a good writer and her heart broke a little reading my story. She thanked me for telling it.
I guess some of the discouragement I've been feeling lately is around whether or not all this Herculean effort I've been putting forth over the past few years has been worth anything, to anybody. Knowing it is though, makes it all worthwhile. Even if our actions only help or affect one person, that's a success. I know for a fact though, there's more than one of you out there who get me.
I truly believe that all of us have our demons to battle, our past to make peace with and the never-ending project of coming to terms with self-love. Add to that the stressful days at work, the responsibilities of aging parents or growing children, trying to take care of our friends and family, trying to make ends meet, trying to better ourselves as individuals. It's exhausting.
I think if we all stopped trying to convince the world through FaceBook that our lives are fabulous, and were a little more honest and open, we wouldn't all feel the overwhelming pressure to look perfect. And in sharing our struggles and imperfections we could all feel more comfortable being perfectly imperfect.
Then we would realize that our imperfect lives are fabulous, just the way they are. Despite all that imperfection, this is our one chance at life. Let's be nothing but grateful for it. :)
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