Careful what you wish for...

It's been odd lately. Not to say my life isn't usually odd, but the whole reappearance of the JW family has been throwing me off a bit. It's like NOTHING ever happened.

I realize I should just be grateful for this. It's what I've been working towards the past 4 years, isn't it? The balance is a little more...balanced, with my brother and I on one side, mom and sister on the other. Trying to make the scales balance.

The sinners and the saints are all together now, and I have somehow, miraculously, been granted re-entrance into the family. Now, we can all do family dinners, see movies, grab a coffee. It's like the past few years have evaporated into thin air. I've done my time and been granted a release from the solitary confinement, the shunning, the days of having people pass me on the street and look right through me while they walk by.

I had dinner last night with another old friend from a past life, she has two kids now. They told me they love me, and that I'm like family, and invited me to their place for the weekend.

I'm always honest on here, and I won't lie to you now. A huge part of me wants to say FUCK YOU. Where were they when I was jobless, homeless, suicidal, at the end of my rapidly fraying rope? Up on your high horse, looking down with condescention on me and the life I chose.

Like all the choices I've made over the past few years, I won't give in to that. Angry Margaux only hurts herself, and the obvious joy this new arrangement gives my brother is enough for me to stay quiet. I love my family. And my old friends. I just don't trust them. There can be love without trust in my life, it's something I will have to get used to.

The best part? With Thanksgiving right behind us, I've thought about all of this a lot. I have enough of a "family" now to be happy no matter what else happens. I don't need any of these people, they've gone away in the past and I survived.

What I do need is to have faith in me, in my friends, in the choices I've made. I have that.

And apparently, I have the old life back now too. If I was on Glee I would sing you some moving Beatles song but I can't sing. So all I have to say is when the choice is put in front of you, choose love. It's ok to be angry about it, but kindness is always the way to go. This way, we sleep easy, we find inner peace and we can finally, finally, let go of the past that haunts us.

Still, be careful who you trust. :)