The X Factor

I think I've been pretty lucky in love. Not that it's always worked out, (because it usually doesn't) but I've managed to stay friends with most of the men I've dated. And most of the ones I haven't, I wish we were friends. I miss them. I think they miss me.

For some reason, ex's bring out the worst in the people we are currently dating. Not sure why that is, isn't it a good thing that we love people for who they are, and choose to be with someone for a period of time who has continued to have a positive impact in our life? My response to that is: grow up. There's a reason that person is our ex, and you are our current girlfriend/boyfriend.

So, the question remains, can you (and should you) be friend with an ex? Not that I think we should keep people in our life who don't love us, respect us and make us happy. If someone was mean or abusive or in the end, just not a great person, we wouldn't want someone like that taking up space in our life.

And you definitely cannot be friends with someone you still have romantic feelings for, but pretend you want to be friends just to keep them in your life, hoping they'll come back to you. Then you're stuck pining away in secret for weeks or months or even years, while they tell you excitedly all about their new girlfriend. That's not healthy.

But when a good relationship ends, where does all that love go?

Just because you don't work out romantically, should you automatically throw away the guy who made you laugh all the time, or the one who always listened when you needed someone to listen, and would give you a hug after?

One important ex is someone who transioned into being one of my best friends. He was the first person I dated after getting divorced, and undoubtably met me when I was the most scared and the most damaged. But he's loved me unconditionally regardless.

The guy I dated in the summer taught me how important it is to take time for yourself. (This is something I've always struggled with, but being on a time out from work this week has been interesting.) He was a TV producer, but on the weekends he painted, wrote songs, played music, wrote screenplays, played tennis. He was always telling me to get a hobby.

In a world where last week's trends are so disposable, so forgettable, it's no surprise we throw people away as well. And often after a break-up there is a lot of hurt that needs to have time to heal before you can or should try being friends. In the end, just because we didn't make it as a couple doesn't mean there is nothing valuable to be found in that relationship. Some of my exes have made their way into my eclectic group of friends and I have no doubt they'll stay there.

I'm starting to wonder how people who stay married for 50 years ever pull that off. Sometimes we do meet the love of our life in high school and stay exactly where we should be for the rest of our life. But more often than not, love affairs seem to be short stories, but no less important, interesting and full of love.

I hope that someday I can be completely at peace with everyone who I've loved over the years. Actually, whether we're still in touch or not, at least on my side, I feel that way right now. :)

And by the way, tonight my ex and I are going to his ex-girlfriends housewarming party. She invited both of us and I bought her a big bouquet of flowers. Sometimes it can work out...