Support Group??

It's been said that people who escape a cult are as traumatized as those who survive war.

I can't imagine having been to war, or surviving one. I know many people who have, I spent eight years working in the Vietnamese community in Toronto. And they are traumatized. There are those who recover, and those who don't. Some are able to start a new life for themselves, some go crazy. Some seem to recover, but in secret they beat their children, abuse drugs and alcohol, steal, hurt others, break the law, commit suicide.

The emotional effects of war are well documented and in some ways, bad behaviour can almost be understood, because of what these people went through. It's different with a cult. It's all so shaded in secrets, people who get out are deemed lucky indeed, but most of the time, no one really understands how deep the hurt goes.

I read an article yesterday quoting some former members of a religious cult that I'm well familiar with. One of them said: "I would like to know the truth about suicide rates amongst ex-****s. To be cast out of your community because you are considered evil is horrible, but to relive it everytime you see your mother and she won't speak to you just reinforces it in your mind." (I didn't write that by the way, but I can relate to it.)

I have some friends who have recently tried to take control of their lives and walk down the path of walking away. For me, watching it happen to them is it almost like reliving what I went through a couple of years ago. The same people are turning their backs on them, who turned their backs on me. We had the same friends.

Angry emails (they never actually pick up the phone or talk to you face to face, they prefer keeping it at arms length) condemning you, calling you proud, comparing you to Satan, threatening that you will die on Judgement Day...this coming from the girl who was your best friend when you were ten. From her parents who used to have you over on the weekends. From the person who stood beside you as your witness at your wedding. From your parents, your sisters, your husband.

It's a mind fuck, no doubt (sorry mom (Helena mom) I had to say it) and one I'm not sure you ever truly get over. Especially when you spent the past 15 years sacrificing everything, education, career, home, family...for this cause that you no longer believe in.

As for me, I don't completely regret it. I did what I thought was best, at the time when I had the information available to me to make the decision I made. I loved the Vietnamese people. I still do. I'm worried I might never find another occupation in life that suits me so well, because I didn't care if I was poor, I loved helping them. I've tried numerous volunteer gigs but nothing makes me feel the way I did building those close relationships. I learned to speak Vietnamese. I've slept in a bed with 2 kids while their mom slept in the next room and cried because her husband was in prison for selling drugs. I've spent more weekends in the visiting room in prison then anyone I've ever know.

Nothing will ever fill the void left by Vivian. I practically raised her, for ten years. I put my own family on hold to do what I did, but she was my baby. I helped her with her homework, pick her courses at school, took her shopping, to her first concert, bought her that first "legal" drink at a bar, went on vacations together, we talked every day for years. She is still my baby, even though she doesn't talk to me anymore. I love her like she was my own and I do feel like I've lost a child. But that aside, she is what I'm most proud of doing with my life thus far.

Now I have a good job and lots of future prospects, and I'm grateful for that, but I worry it will never satisfy me the way that life did. That life was what I was built for. But I can never go back.

When we walk away, we do it privately. We work hard to deal with our anger and resentments and disappointments and turn our lives into something better. But some people won't let it be. They feel they have to continually hurt us, humiliate us, judge us. And as much as we try to be positive and move on, it still hurts.

Leaving, is hard enough. You don't have to try to hurt us, we already hurt. We LOVE the people we've left behind, we just can't live a lie any longer. And sidepoint, we don't choose to leave you behind - you choose to leave us. We want to have a relationship with you. We don't want to hurt you, but we don't want to be hurt by you either.

I don't know who is reading this blog. I'm almost at 2,000 page views, if there are people out there in Toronto, Montreal or Ottawa who understand what I'm talking about, there are people who could use mutual support (I've searched the web, can't seem to find any locals). Please contact me. I can help.