This is something I’ve had quite a bit of experience with, so I thought I’d share some tips with you today. Not because I’m any expert, I’ve wandered back into getting my heart broken by the same person more times than I can count. Every time he said he loved me, or made some kind of promise, I would believe him, despite the fact that his actions never lined up with his words.
One of the most important things to understand, is LOVE IS AN ACTION. When we love someone, we desperately want to believe they love us back, no matter what their actions are telling us. We believe their words, because that is what we want to believe. So the first step is being honest with ourselves. What is this person’s actions telling us? It might be useful to keep a journal. In two columns, write on one side of the page what they tell you, what they promise, what they say. On the other side of the page, list any of their actions that display the exact opposite behavior. It’s a huge reality check, but one that is vitally important to healing. Anytime you find yourself daydreaming about the potential promise of their love, go back and read the list of hurtful things that disproves their love for you. It hurts like hell, but you’ll benefit in the long run by finally seeing and accepting the truth.
Remember: There is no love. There are only proofs of love.
Another important thing to remember is that someone else’s betrayal is not your fault. They may try to shift the blame, tell you it’s because of your choices, your friends, your lifestyle. Be true to yourself and realize that if they chose not to be with you, that’s not your fault. I felt that way for a long time, I dwelt on all the ways I could have tried harder, the different choices I could have made. But why would you want to be with someone who picks on little flaws or tries to manipulate your personal decisions? Someone who truly loves you sticks with you through ups and downs, good times and bad, the challenges and disappointments. The man I’m with now doesn’t always agree with me, but he realizes that my choices are my choices, and he loves me regardless.
While you shouldn’t blame yourself, after a breakup or a heartbreak, it can be the best time for you to self-assess. One important thing to think about is past relationships. These may not be love affairs, it could be family dynamics, how you grew up, friends who didn’t treat you the way you deserved. Who in your past made you feel the way your ex does? Do you put up with bad behavior just because it’s familiar? So many of us do. It’s time to break the cycle and find people who truly see your worth and value you as a person. And again, they show that…through their actions.
You might spend hours, days, months, even years (I’ve been guilty of that) trying to understand how they could do this to you. You loved them and would never have done this to them! The bottom line is, whatever their reasons, it doesn’t matter. What’s done is done and you might never, ever understand why it went the way it did. Thank the Universe that you have enough love, integrity and honesty not to be able to understand someone who is manipulative, cruel or dishonest.
Finally, it’s so important to be good to yourself. If you’re feeling down, get out of the house! Get a manicure. Go to yoga. Take a bubble bath. Connect with good friends who you can be honest with and who will be honest with you. People who can be compassionate, but will also give you a required degree of tough love. Write in your journal. Whatever you do, stay away from your ex. You might think you’ll feel better telling them how much they hurt you, or how much you miss them, but all that will do is tear open a huge wound and you will end up hurt, yet again. Because they really don’t care how much they hurt you. They don’t care that you miss them. They’re not losing any sleep at night over these things. They don’t care about anyone other than them. If you need to get those emotions out, write them a letter. A letter you will never send. Some day when you’re feeling better, you can read your old letters, laugh at how much better your life is now without that person, and burn them. :)
If you've allowed someone else to make you feel unloved and unwanted, the most important thing to focus on is rebuilding the trust you had with yourself. Show yourself that you are going to take care of you and that you will make decisions going forward that will protect your heart and mind. Once you learn to trust yourself again, trusting other people becomes a little less daunting. And without knowing how to love and care for yourself, you just can't expect those things from anyone else.
JKF once said: "When written in Chinese the word crisis is composed of two characters. One represents danger, and the other represents opportunity." It's scary to move away from an ex, even a toxic one and be alone again. Or to accept that you want to move on and finally make yourself available to someone new. But it also represents an exciting opportunity: to find the love and life that you deserve. :)
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