Heaven and Hell

Heaven and hell are not some places I’m going to go to later on. Heaven and hell are here right now, and I create them for myself with my own choices. ~ Hae Doh Gary Schwocho

Hey y'all. I know, I know it's been awhile. Truth be told, I've been pretty blocked lately. I went to a patio yesterday with a notebook and a pink sharpie, to people watch and hopefully gain some inspiration. I wrote a lot but at the end of the day, I had nothing. I made a lot of lists though, which are always very helpful in life.

I did go on a date on Saturday, which turned out to be surprisingly enjoyable. (Yes, that is the stage I'm at. Where I expect dates to always just be bad.) It was funny, because we were chatting before and he asked me what my blog address was. I knew it was a bad idea, but I couldn't think of a reason not to give it to him, what with all you thousands of strangers reading me all the time. So I gave it to him. And I will never do that again. Because by the time I showed up for dinner, he knew all my deepest, darkest, most embarrassing secrets and all I knew was that he was a lawyer who knows stuff about corporate leasing.

He asked me if I would consider being with someone who was actually religious. Jesus. Dude knew way too much about me for a first date. So now I can't help but picture us baptizing our children while I stand in a Catholic church, in a modest dress, trying not to have a panic attack. Doesn't work though, and I panic and drop the baby in the holy water (cause I'm clumsy) and he shakes his head like he knew all along cult-girl was the wrong choice for all of this.

But he was lovely.

The real focus of the weekend though was that one of my best friends mom passed away, tragically and unexpectedly, at 53 years of age. That's more than a decade younger than my parents. I called my dad the next day and told him that I loved him. Unselfishly, I feel for her. I lost my uncle last year at a ridiculously young age, I can't imagine what it's like to lose a parent. In some ways though, I can and I have. Selfishly, I couldn't help but think about how I will feel when my mom passes away and we haven't spoken in a decade? More? My girlfriend called me yesterday and she said, Don't you just want to call her and tell her that all of this religious stuff is bullshit and she doesn't want to die never having talked to you again? YES. I want to call her and tell her that.

On the other hand, I truly believe the quote at the top of this post. We make our own little heavens and hells, and who am I to impose on what she wants to believe in? I don't believe there is an afterlife where we are either eternally happy or eternally tormented. It's our choice, now, to decide which one will shape our life. And while I don't believe either are sustainable long term, because life is an endless series of ups and downs, failures and successes, we can choose where we spend the majority of our time.

It was Steve Jobs who said: "For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something...almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose."

We don't have anything to lose. Except eventually, our life. Death is the constant enemy who is always waiting for us around the corner. Life is shorter than we think, it's special and we should make the most of it. Enjoy the little heavens, live through the little hells, know that neither lasts for too long, whether it's the highs or the lows. Appreciate every day that we're still around to tell the people we love how much they mean to us. If we're unhappy, we should make a change, even if it's the hardest thing we ever do. At the end of the day, the only person we have to answer to is us.

And remember Lindsay, love can't be bound, can't be tamed, can't be killed. Love is eternal. It lives on, even when the person we love is gone. Believe in that, and your mom will always be here. In you. With us. xo.