Yesterday was really fun. I have the best neighbours ever, and we had a rotating dinner party. So apps at one place, main at mine, dessert somewhere else. All across the hall from the last place. I spent the morning going through recipe books. And then, the panic set in. I'm not sure why, I've done some dinner parties. Mostly just Thanksgiving or Christmas with Tara and Chris and Michael.
Last night though was a throw-back to old Margaux. I loved throwing dinner parties. I was always the one in the kitchen, watching everyone from a bit afar, so happy to see all my dozens of best friends having a great time together.
Yesterday, I couldn't stop thinking about Candace. My ex-best friend. I don't even know how to contact her anymore. I don't know her phone number or email address, I purged all of that information from my life ages ago. But I never had a dinner party without her.
So I'm trying to clean my apartment and make dinner, while having a panic attack. Apparently it was successful, Lindsay couldn't get over how clean my place was (which made me wonder, how filthy is it usually?). The food was good, the guys had seconds.
Ok, I've obviously been listening to too much City and Colour lately. But I can't help but wonder, did I make the right decision? To leave. I have a sister who won't talk to me, my mom - well, that's complicated, and a ton of people out there who I miss a lot. Not to mention, a re-married ex-husband who was one of the best friends I ever had.
I can look around my fabulous apartment, call my new friends and be grateful for how lucky I've been on the outside. But I'm not sure how long it's going to take to stop feeling like this is all weird and unfamiliar. Most days, I feel like I'm just trying to stay alive. Maybe we all feel like that, if we were being honest.
Or maybe it's just the winter blues. Thank God spring is coming.
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