It's possible I wasn't completely truthful in my last post. I thought I was fine. I thought I could handle life, however it turned out. But reconnecting with a painful part of my past seems to have been too much...
It doesn't take much for a desperate person with a horrible addiction to become blinded to reality and end up back where they were not long ago.
Love is interesting. I know what true love looks like. It's the people who are there for you when you're at your worst, the ones who willingly spend their weekend in a "prison cell" at the hospital trying to talk you off the ledge, again, when you've turned your back on all of them, yet again, for the one person who will always lie to you, and never love you, never care about you more than they care about themself. The people who take time off work to come sit with you all day, just so you don't have to be alone during this horrendous time. The boyfriend who goes out and buys you a Christmas tree to cheer you up, after you've just hurt him so badly.
Did I ever really love Him? Or was I just addicted to the pain? The pain of always wanting to be loved by someone so unattainable. Was it because I lost my entire life trying to hold on to "us" in any way I could? Maybe I can't accept the fact that I lost it all for nothing, for something that was never, ever real. Maybe it's just that I need to make it all mean something to make my life now make some kind of sense.
Or maybe I'm just crazy. Whatever the truth is, I'm completely free now. For the rest of my life. But there's nothing comforting about that.
I have learned one thing from all this: anyone who can make you hate yourself this much doesn't deserve any room in your heart, mind or soul. That is not love. No matter what he tells you.
Maybe people should come with warning lables. Like a package of cigarettes: "Smoking is the number one cause of lung cancer."
"Don't love this person - if you do, it could kill you." Literally.
I've hurt a lot of people lately myself. For that, I'm deeply sorry.
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