Love is an action.
I believe that now, with all my heart. I was madly in love once. I did everything I could to have a chance, a real chance, to be with Him. The problem with love, is that not everyone shows it through actions, sometimes it's only expressed through words, and words can be dangerously deceiving.
New Years Eve is upon us, and I've realized recently that as much as on the outside I've seemed to move on from Him, I really haven't. I've been pretending to move on, while on the inside keeping my heart closed to anyone new, reserving all my love for the person - I admit this to myself now - the person I was sure was coming back to me. How could he not? He said we were soulmates, that I was the love of his life. I believed him. I thought our souls were chained together and in the end we'd find a way back to each other. He told me over and over, hundreds of times that he was leaving her and going to spend his life with me. I believed that too. I did everything he wanted me to do, made the most difficult life altering changes possible. Then I thought all I had to do was wait. But I see clearly now, I've been waiting in vain.
So I'm letting go. Since all He ever gave me were words, it is time to get rid of them so they will finally lose their hold over me. So I started going through the letters, the emails, the text messages. Hundreds and hundreds of saved messages from Him. And getting rid of them. I read each of them before I hit "delete" or threw it out, and I wonder now how I could have ever believed those words - when most of them were written when He was with her. Yes, He said he loved me thousands of times but love is an action and his action was to choose her over and over again. Why didn't I listen to his actions instead of buying into his words? I feel worst about that, but I'm trying to forgive myself for being so foolish.
I have countless unanswered questions, I wonder things like why He would string me along for such a long time when he knew I hurt so badly every time he walked away? Why to the end - just a couple of weeks ago - He could still sit there and tell me adamently that I'm the one He loves? If He had just been honest two and a half years ago about what He planned to do with his life (stay with her) about how He really felt (He didn't love me), I would have healed from this wound ages ago, and without feeling they may have to actually remove my heart from my chest to make it stop hurting. But getting answers wouldn't change the course of the past, so I guess it doesn't really matter what He would say.
I'm not naive enough to believe that just because He is in a relationship, they are necessarily happy. Most couples I know really aren't. So they go on trips and buy things and distract themselves until they grow old, and they tell themselves they had a happy life, even if all they were doing was barely living. Just existing. But I do know for sure that I will never again be in a relationship just for the sake of not being alone, or because I'm scared of starting over or because other people think I should. I will only be in a relationship where I am valued and loved. Not where I am told that I'm loved, but where I see it proactively displayed. And that's how I will prove to myself that I love and value me. By making better, smarter, healthier choices, I hope I can earn back my own trust sometime soon.
There's something liberating about purging my life of old lies and starting fresh. I loved how I felt and who I was with Him, but I hate what loving Him turned me into. Erasing his words, letters, notes, messages and pictures from my life leaves me free to erase Him from my mind and heart and start over. Trying to convince Him to love me was exhausting and in the end it tore me apart. I will never try to convince anyone to love me again. If they do, they'll make room for me in their life, and they won't walk away.
The man I've with now, he doesn't say he loves me, and I'm grateful for that at this stage. But I really think he does. He shows it, every day. I honestly believe he spends a great deal of time thinking about ways to make me happy. Under those circumstances it's so easy to feel happy and secure.
Whether we are in a romantic relationship or not, I realize now the single most important relationship we have is with ourself. And if you can find people who love the you you love, well that's as good as it gets.
Happy New Years everyone. I'm finally going to wear that black sequined dress He gave me that's been sitting in the closet for two years. I wish all the love, peace and happiness possible to you in 2012. Yet another new beginning starts tomorrow. And tomorrow is always fresh with possibilities and free of mistakes. Let's make the most of it. :)
Sullivan out.
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