A good friend used to say the past is like a rearview mirror. It's critical that you glance in it from time to time, to make sure you're being safe and heading in the right direction. But if you stare into it for too long, that's an accident waiting to happen.
If you think about it, that's very good advice. Very good advice that's hard to implement though, because as we all know, our pasts can have an extremely powerful hold over us, our present and our future.
I've been battling an addiction from my past for almost a few years now, one I seem to beat over and over again, only to run into him on the street or at lunch or in a coffee shop and my heart beats faster and time seems to move in slow motion and I realize I'm right back where I was in the beginning.
For the longest time, I couldn't get past the three month mark. I could feel it when it was getting close, something unconscious but noticeable, like when you've left it too long to get a haircut. You know something's wrong but it usually takes a few more days before you look in the mirror, have your a-ha moment and book a much-needed appointment.
This time I went nine months. NINE. Before I found myself in an all too familiar spot - standing in front of his office. I literally couldn't help myself anymore. I had to see him, talk to him, know he was ok. Feel out if he still hated me as much as I had once hated him. Or, on the other hand, if he still loved me. It didn't help that it was his birthday.
I knew I was cheating on all my friends and allies by being there. The ones who had held my hand, watched me cry and talked me off the ledge so many times over him. The ones who would probably take a swing at him if they ran into him on the street. Not to mention my absolutely lovely boyfriend.
I took a deep breath, walked in and smiled. "Happy Birthday." He was surprised to see me. The last couple of times he ran into me on the street I wasn't very nice, I wouldn't even smile or make eye contact.
But for some reason, right now, my past doesn't bother me all that much anymore. The past that I used to focus on, obsess about, stare at endlessly in the rearview mirror, I've almost entirely made peace with it. Because the past is what has brought me here, to where I am, today. And where I am is very good.
He invited me in and we sat down. In seconds, it was just like old times. Only so much different too, because this time, I didn't want our past back. And I didn't want a future with him. I needed a reality check, and that's exactly what I got. After about an hour of catching up and some much needed healing and forgiveness, I was ready to get out of my past and back to my present reality. In what felt like just a few minutes, I forgave him, I forgave me and I forgave us. With a hug and smile, that horrible, toxic mess in my rearview mirror seemed so far away and so long ago.
If you're wondering, yes, he's still in love with me. The funny thing about getting what you want, is that sometimes, when you finally get it, you realize you don't really want it anymore.
I'm sure I'll still glance into the past from time to time, to remember where I've been and remind myself where I need to be going.
But for now, I'm happy, I'm at peace, and I'll keep my eyes on the road ahead.
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