Constant Knot

Do you know that City and Colour song? You should. That's how I feel. I walk around with a constant knot in my gut. Waiting. Because it always happens.

My friend was back today in town this weekend and he came to see me first. I was really happy about that. So we took a walk to the distillery. It was a beautiful Friday night. And of course, we walked right into two old friends from that other life I had. We got the classic reaction that I usually get. It's so dramatic it's almost funny, if it wasn't for the fact that these are old friends. They look at us, some kind of shock and awkwardness in their eyes, put their heads down, avert eye contact and walk right by. Quickly.

Apparently I am so dangerous, even eye contact with me should be avoided, lest I somehow am able to glamour you with my eyes and take you over to the dark side with me. (Vampire reference, if you don't know what "glamouring" is.)

I'm used to it now. Or maybe I'm not. I'm used to experiencing it, dealing with it, living through it. You never quite get used to being shunned by former friends and family members.

And it's so ridiculous, because guess what guys? I'm still a JW. You can't get out (unless you get disfellowshipped and I'm not anymore), so hey, technically - I'm one of you. The shunning is just getting kind of silly.

So we're both a little upset now. I cry. He talks about how this story will be all over Toronto by the end of the night (JW Toronto). I go home, cry some more. And I woke up this morning, all wrapped up in the nicest guy I've dated in a long time. I went to the market, went to meet Liz for a bit, caught up with Krista while she got her hair done, getting ready to go meet Lindsay for dinner.

And I thought, hey, sure I used to have dozens of best friends. And yes, I still miss them. I always wonder if Vivian's ok, or think about how my best friend since I was 10 years old has two kids I haven't seen since before they started school. I'm sure they don't remember me anymore. But it's ok. Three good girlfriends is really all I need in one city. And the others, who live a few hours away - they are my link to my past and we all keep each grounded as we go through the same experience of being cast out and trying so hard to move on.

Those girls last night? The ones who've known me for at least a decade, who I used to party with? I have nothing but compassion for them. How sad it must be to spend your life dedicated to a cause that preaches love and forgiveness but tells you that you shouldn't even smile and wave at someone on the street as you walk past them because you must participate in their punishment. I'm sure it's a difficult thing for them to reconcile at the end of the day, I always had a problem with the disfellowshipping arrangement, even when I was hard core.

I, for the briefest second this morning, thought that maybe I should just go to the Kingdom Hall tomorrow, stop trying to swim against the tide, go back to my people. But you know what? I've evolved. And if it takes a little bit of shunning and a few panic attacks to keep working at this great new life I have...so be it. Life is too short to live what you know is a lie.

And Vivian - if you ever get to where I am, I'm here. On the other side (not the dark side). Waiting for you. :)