Once upon a time, not that long ago, I was still pretty miserable. Things have been steadily improving in my life over the past year, with lots of changes, new people, new challenges and happinesses. But one thing would not change. I was still in love with my ex.
I was dating and meeting new people all the time and I even met a few guys that I really liked. Some of them are still my good friends now. But there was definitely a hole in my heart the shape of a tall, redhead nerd that just wouldn't go away. I tried everything I could think of. I made lists of all the times he lied to me and all the things he did that broke my heart over and over. I hated him, then I made peace with him, I avoided him, then I would actually cross the street to say hi and give him a hug when we would run into each other. I made new friends, I wrote blogs, I went back to school. Nothing worked.
Oddly enough, in the end, it just happened naturally, on its own. Toronto used to be a minefield for me. Everywhere I went reminded me of him, and when we'd been in that spot, at that restaurant or walked that block. One of our favorite things to do was go to Centre Island, take the ferry, have a picnic. Sit under a tree.
Yesterday, I went to the island. Not for the first time since him, I've been there quite a few times in the past couple of years. But for the first time, it wasn't a graveyard of buried hopes and broken hearts. I went with my good friends, we sailed over on their yacht, went to the pool at the yacht club, swam and lounged around for the afternoon. It wasn't until I went to take a shower, that I thought of him. And how being there should make me sad but instead I was having a great time.
It made me realize I got over my broken heart, without even noticing. Yes, it took years. I really loved him, part of me always will love him and be grateful to him. For showing me that important thing was I was missing and really wanted and needed. For letting me love him so much that I had the courage to completely change my life for the better.
Of course this has something to do with The American. It's possible I'm falling in love with him. And falling in love again seems to be the only complete remedy for falling out of love with someone else.
But it's more than that. It's realizing that I've somehow managed to build a new life, with new people, new prospects, new hopes and dreams that have nothing to do with Adam. He wouldn't fit here and I'd never be crazy enough to leave an entire life for him again.
I wish him well, and hope that he's happy. I hope he's happy that I'm happy. But his ex-lover, the girl who loved him more than life, willingly gave up everything for him, wanted nothing more than to be with him, to marry him...is gone. I'm not sorry I met him, I'm not sorry it's over. But now all the things that were so clear, so important are getting a little fuzzy. Sometimes I try to really remember him, but I can't.
I'm grateful to that girl who followed her heart and decided to love Adam, but I don't miss her. Rest in peace. :)
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