Little Flight Risk

The Universe always brings back to you what you put out into it. I believe that now. I haven't always been finding the right kind of people to build into my new life. There have been a few, but I think that's because I was only partly trying. Putting myself out there a bit, then running away...then trying again. Honestly, I was just scared. Scared to care about anyone, or try to let anyone new in. I've even pulled a bullshit disappearing act on Ron and Leslie a couple of times, but they've seen through it and decided not to accept it.

Kevin, the guy I've been seeing for a whole three weeks now, sees through it too. I think I tried to break up with him two or three times in the first week and a half. He's always sensitive to my boundaries. If I try to run away, he says ok, but tells me he wishes I wouldn't. When he talks about keeping things going after he's gone, and I tell him not to talk about it, he shuts up. And says "no pressure".

I know he understands though, because he calls me "little flight risk". Keeps asking me when I'm going to fly away. The funny thing is, and I would never tell him this, not only do I not want to do that, I don't even have an urge anymore to end things, walk away, delete him from FaceBook. I actually feel safe with him (and not just because he was in the army and can, and I quote "blow shit up").

This whole feeling safe thing is new to me since my world was rocked. Before that, I never expected anyone to walk away. Since then, I've expected everyone to. But slowly, slowly, people are winning me over. Liz first, then the Batts, then Kevin, Lindsay.

I ran into one of my ex-best friends at the grocery store last night. We'd been friends since we were ten years old. She was part of my wedding. We talked for a few minutes, hugged. And for maybe the first time, I wasn't angry. At her, at the JWs. She's doing what she thinks is right, what they are telling her she has to do. But it's making her unhappy. She would like to be my friend. She misses me. And I am just so glad that I don't live like that, will NEVER have to live like that again.

And about being a flight risk? I'm not sure. Don't tell Kevin this, but we have one week left and I wish it was a lot longer. Maybe I will take him up on the invite to Cincinnati to meet his parents. Or the vacation in California in August. We'll just have to see what happens...