The Tempest

"Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken"

I've spent a good amount of time on here talking about my poor broken heart. Love is the greatest thing in the world and I believe in it with every fibre of my being. And that's the way I choose love others.

The downside to that has been walking around for three years with a broken heart. Hoping that because I believed in my true love so much, eventually the Universe would right itself and things would work out the way I so desperately wanted them to. In one of his bouts of clarity this past weekend, Chris said something interesting to me. He said that true love really is the strongest bond possible. But it was only true love if both people felt the same way. And if one person was able to walk away from that, walk away from the strongest, most compelling force in the Universe, then for them, it wasn't true love. Or else walking away would be impossible. And unless both people feel the same way, true love didn't exist between them.

Has anyone ever seen the Princess Bride? It's true. Death couldn't even stop those two. (I know it's only a movie, but still...)

It's somewhat freeing, the more I think about it, the more I believe that what he said is right. And that means, if only I felt that way, it wasn't true love, and the thing I've been grieving the loss of all this time, I never truly had in the first place. And if I didn't have it in the first place, then I never lost it. And if I never lost it, it's still out there, waiting to be found. If it's still out there, then I can have hope again.

In other love revelations, yesterday, I received a message from my mother. It was the same three themes as usual: it's so hard on all of them without me, please come back to the group, we don't want you to die for your decisions. I know my mother loves me. And I love her. But the truth of the matter is, 1) I haven't left them. I'm happy to have a relationship with anyone who respects me and loves me for who I am. I don't think most of those people do, so once again, the things I thought I lost, I never had in the first place. That's not loss, that's the illusion of loss, and I don't see the illusion anymore, I see things clearly, maybe for the first time. 2) "Coming back" is non-negotiable at this point. I've come too far down a different path, survived too many sleepless nights and bouts of depression and crying fits, become too strong in who I am as a person to let an organization, parent, boyfriend, boss, anyone really, run my life again and tell me who I can be, who I can have in my life, what I'm allowed to do, say and think. 3) We're all going to die. Old age, cancer, being hit by a bus, "judgement day"...I'll take my chances on living a life that's free, honest and hopeful. Then at least when I do come to the end of my life, I'll be able to look it in the eye with dignity and self-respect.

And to be honest, things are going well for me, even here in Toronto on my own. I have a few really loyal friends, not the crowds I used to have, but people I know will be there no matter what I do. Their friendship is not conditional on my decisions in life agreeing with their wants or desires, but on me doing what's right for myself. I don't think friends like that are as easy to come by as some people believe.

I'm up to over 3,200 page reads on my blog. I've always wanted to be a writer and this has encouraged me greatly. Even on days when I feel I don't have much of value to say, someone is always reading the thoughts I send out. Despite not knowing who they are, that is very comforting.

I finally got up the courage to go back to school. That was not easy. And working full-time and taking the first two courses in this program, I'm exhausted. Today though, I handed in my first assignment. I got an A. Work is great. I'm working with people who believe in me and want to help me shape a career and who entrust me with more and more interesting and challenging projects. It's busy and it's hard work. But it feels like forward momentum and I've been lucky to come into the opportunities I have in front of me right now.

In life, we all at times go through a tempest. Some are short squalls, with limited damage. Others are more like a tsunami and we walk away feeling shaken, bruised or even broken and we're left to rebuild all over again from nothing.

Some aren't able to weather the storms, so they decide to take the easy way out, make it stop in away way possible. I feel sorry for them, because they never have the opportunity to see how calm and beautiful it can be on the other side.

Three years ago, I lost my family, the friends I had since childhood, my home, my marriage, my community, my job, my entire life. I had no money, no hope. I was destroyed from the tempest I lived through. But here we are, just three (long) short years later and it's a whole new world.

So don't give up on your dreams, settle for less or be afraid to hope you can have everything you ever wanted. The rain has to stop eventually and that's when the sun starts to peek out. In the meantime, a fabulous red lipstick and a great pair of shoes can help you fake it. :)