The Exorcist

My perfectly charming BFF#2, Liz (sorry Liz for the #2. I love you lots but Chris is my man!) bought me a yoga retreat for Christmas.

We finally booked it and headed off to the country for the weekend. It started bad, we were both hungover, we showed up late and apparently that put everyone off.

Then I smoked a cigarette, and got caught. We were definitely in the bad books. Not quite zen enough for what we'd signed up for. Slowly, slowly though, things started to change. As Liz tapped more and more into her spiritual side, the other guests started to find her quite interesting. And spending some one on one time with the owner/spiritual teacher, he seemed to understand where I was coming from, and the pain I've been carrying these past few years, and he cut me some slack.

Then came the thai yoga massage, which is not the kind of massage you're thinking of. Basically, you go into a little room and he beats you up. I'm still sore. But all that tension I've been carrying around in my shoulders seems to have melted away...

He also did reiki, my first experience with that. After those treatments, I felt brutal and probably had one of the worst night's sleep ever. I even woke Liz up screaming (yes, screaming) in my sleep. Throw in some yoga and meditation, and by the time I got home I was a mess.

The teacher seemed to be able to see right into my soul. He told me things about myself that only Chris seems to have figured out about me. Sidepoint, I was with Chris on Tuesday night and all the things he was saying were repeated to me by this stranger on the weekend. The same exact messages, and he doesn't even know me. Even though I completely had my guard up, at some points I felt like crying at the things he would say. We got home, not really knowing how to feel about what we'd experienced over the past couple of days. We both knew we needed a hot bath and a glass of wine.

The funny thing is, I almost feel like it was an exorcism of sorts. I'd been having nightmares constantly, and did all night after the treatments, but now I feel calm and at peace. I slept like a baby last night, and today I feel, once again, at peace with the Universe.

One more thing Andre gave me before I left was some quotes from another spiritual healer. He said that we could give thanks to all that has caused us pain, knowing that we needed that pain to learn how to forgive.

I've never been bad at forgiveness, except to extend it to myself. I can forgive others easily, myself, not so much. But how can we really love others, if we never love ourselves? Accept who we are, the good and the bad, while always striving to be better. Because if we judge ourselves so harshly, as much as we can say we don't judge others, we do. We only have the ability to share the love we possess and without loving ourselves, without realizing we are part of something much bigger, much more divine, we can't reflect the love that a divine being would have for their creation.

Are my demons banished completely? I doubt it. But they have receded into the shadows for awhile. And next time they come back, I'll be ready. :)