At my recent yoga retreat weekend, one question that was prompted was to think about a love you had and what you would do differently if you had it now.
I don't write much about Travis on this blog, mostly because I know he would hate it! :)
(The internet is evil, right?)
But in the interest of finally getting past all the past, I'll talk about him tonight.
I met Travis when we were really young, maybe 15 or 16, in PEI. His family had moved there from Ontario, and I was friends with his sister. I still remember going to their family's home, and watching him spend hours outside in the cold, fixing his basketball net.
He was tall, lanky and blonde, not my type. He was hansome, no doubt, and one thing Travis had always working in his favour was the mystery factor. He was complex, that was obvious. In a room, he was quiet, not one to try to get his voice heard above others, he was content to sit in the corner and strum on a guitar. And that was mostly because he didn't really need anyone.
Travis is probably one of the smartest people I've ever met. I worked so hard to learn to speak Vietnamese, he just picked it up. (Seriously, has anyone ever just "picked up" Vietnamese? And they say he is the best they've ever seen.)
He's a scratch golfer, good basketball player, very athletic. He also plays a mean electric guitar. On the flip side he has a weakness for junk food, loving Wendy's and McDonald's. And coffee with lots of sugar in it. And cinnamon rolls. And candy.
I've gone off topic. The question was, if I had this love back in my life now, what would I do differently? There are a lot of things. If Travis and I were dating now, I would be more honest about who I am. And I would be more honest with him about what I needed from him, instead of just accepting the "support" role and watching him be brilliant from the sidelines, while I secretly resented the fact that he never helped out at home.
I would have told him that while I was ok with the golfing, trips to Ottawa to hang out with his dad, working as an elder in the congregation, tv watching, sports...I needed something back from him at the same time. I needed to feel at least as important as those other things, and not like an inconvenience.
And I would have told him how unimportant he made me by the end of it all, and how I felt I never measured up when I was around him. And that if something didn't change, I would have to leave.
Things spiralled out of control, and in the end, I didn't have a chance to say that.
A lot of people never understood why I married Travis. There was a whole side of him that was sweet and funny and really cute that most people didn't see. Sometimes I wished he would show it more, sometimes I felt special that it was reserved for me.
I will always agree with something he told me a thousand times, "people who are in love hold hands".
If I could talk to him today, I would tell him how much I still miss him and how he's the only part of my past life I sometimes still cry about. I would tell him that although he really wasn't very good at being a husband, I think he could be. Travis is always good at the things he wants to be good at.
I don't regret marrying Travis. At the time, it was the right choice and I'll always have a million memories of us laughing, because that's what we did. I'm not sure how we got to the space where we were out of touch, we fought too much, how did we ever get so messed up?
One thing I know, there problably haven't been many divorces that ended with so much sadness and so much love.
No comments:
Post a Comment