More than Friends

I haven't been feeling well since Friday. The worst thing about being single and sick is there's no one to hold your hair back while you throw up. There's no one to make you soup. There's no one to hold your hand when you're so tired and you start crying. There's no one to take your dog out when you can't leave the apartment.

I'm lucky enough to have someone who does that for me. He's been here for four days straight taking care of me and Max. He's smart though. As much as we love each other, he'd never date me. I don't blame him. I wouldn't date me either. I always fuck it up.

I love people, I really do. But I don't trust you. I'll push you away. I'll find some way to ruin the relationship. And it's not your fault. You are probably perfectly lovely.

He brought me this today to cheer me up:

I've had a picture of Uma in Kill Bill on my mirror in my bedroom for years. Then I bought the same sword she had and put it on the wall. Why do I still feel so helpless? I've been wearing my "courage" pin as if perhaps I'm in the Wizard of Oz and if I just put it on it will make me courageous.

I guess even when I was married, he never took care of me. I slept all day today and I'm feeling better. Maybe I couldn't Kill Bill but I can appreciate my "more than a friend" who got me through the past few days. I may never really be with anyone. I will probably end up alone.

My dad and stepmom had their 30th anniversary today. She told me once that every time she hears his truck pulling into the driveway, her heart beats faster. I hope I feel that way someday about someone.

I'm going to burn some sage and try to erase the sickness and negativity from my apartment.

Sullivan out.